Yesterday, I made myself very public about my personal life. Last night was very emotional for Chris and I. I was very nervous about telling my Facebook friends about my infertility. I am not sure what made me so hesitant. I think because in our society, we keep things like marital struggles, mental health and infertility hush hush. I remember 2 years ago, when I became very concerned about the fact that I was not pregnant yet, I didn’t even want to tell my family about what we were going through. Babies are supposed to come naturally; they are supposed to be a surprise. I used to imagine what it would be like to discover my pregnancy. Trying for a few months when I realize my period is a week late, butterflies in my stomach as I get ready to look down at the home pregnancy test. Seeing the double line and jumping around by myself in the bathroom. Let me tell you, life doesn’t happen like you think its supposed to happen. Three and a half years. 42 months. 42 damn times I waited for that late period. So I kept it a secret. Even when I broke down and told my mom, I still pleaded with her not to tell anyone. It’s been two years since then. Who was I kidding? The “oh we’re still finishing up school” excuse will be coming to an end in May. What excuse would I give then? Because the excuses still had to be said. I am not going to blurt out my whole story to the acquaintance who casually asks if I have any children.
Over the past few years I have let people into our secret world of infertility. Some continue to not understand. Some I would be lost without. But the secrecy has to end. This is not my fault. This is nothing I did, nothing Chris did. I have nothing to be ashamed of. Infertility is a medical diagnosis that only a doctor can treat. I have heard all the “helpful” advice from well-meaning people. “Maybe you are too stressed.” “God has a plan for you.” It is comments like these that turn this around and take infertility as something I can control. If I can control it, then by me NOT getting pregnant, I did something wrong. I should be ashamed of myself for being too stressed, for not praying enough. I am planning on writing a post on all the things NOT to tell someone who is struggling with infertility. I have decided enough is enough with all the shame and hiding. I have read enough blogs on infertility to know this is something that the general public needs to know more about, and how they can support those in their lives who are trying to get pregnant.