For Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day back in 2014, my first since I had lost Adam, I was feeling stressed and anxious about our upcoming donor egg cycle. It was hard to relax. I was exhausted and made myself sick trying to plan everything for the almost two weeks off of work. I sat and lit my candles, full of uncertainty about this whole infertility thing.
In 2015, I had to light the candles late, because we were at our childbirth class. (Full disclosure: That link doesn’t actually lead to a Pregnancy Loss Day post. It’s actually from the day before, 31 weeks pregnant when we went to Labor and Delivery from a—ahem—issue. Check it out. I’m hilarious when pregnant.
(I’ve realized I make a much better infertility and pregnancy blogger than I do mom blogger.)
Last year, I don’t know, 10-month-old Olivia was probably screeching at me or something.
This year, Mama let her stay up a little later to light fire candles so she could keep leaning over them and then rub her forehead—“Ha! Ha!” (that would be Olivia for “hot.”)
She didn’t get it. But she will.
She will always know what this day means to me. She will know she has a brother in Heaven. She will know that for this night, Mama will be a little bit sad. And that’s OK. She should know. Because the only way Adam will be kept alive is for us to talk about him. To cry for him.
We lit a double wick candle for the twins we lost in our first donor cycle. We lit the candle I bought with my dear friend who experienced a miscarriage this summer. We lit a candle for all the women in my life who have ever lost a baby, no matter when it happened.
The loss of Adam comes to me, sometimes at surprising times. Sometimes when I don’t expect it. In fact, we talked about him at my therapy appointment last week. How it can be four years and I can still sit on her couch and cry for him.
He’d be three and a half now. I miss him.
Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.
You can find more of this week’s #MicroblogMondays posts by clicking here.