Olivia is 18 months and up until just a few months ago, leaving her overnight was off the table. I didn’t feel comfortable with spending the night away because she was still (and is, technically) still nursing at night and I didn’t want to chance her freaking out if I wasn’t there. I know, I know, I’ve become one of those moms I used to roll my eyes at.
But Chris and I do want to get away for a night here by leaving her with my parents, so when my best friend Mel said her husband was out of town on a fishing trip, Chris urged me to try a night away. To be fair, he spent three nights away from her since she was born, so really, I’m due for at least one, right?
So last month I did it. And you guys, it was awesome. Well, as awesome as two 30-some year old married women who’s clubbing days are behind them can be awesome.
If I had to leave my daughter overnight, it may as well be with my best friend since I was 11. This is how it went down:
Saturday June 10th, 2017: I Have A Slumber Party With Mel
11:00- I’m packed, I have my pump, kiss the baby and the husband, one who reassures me everything will be fine, and the other could give a crap that I’m leaving because bubbles in the backyard. Leave the house. Pop in Notorious B.I.G.’s Greatest Hits that I found in my car, lost since 2009.
11:07- Listen to “Hypnotize” twice. Turn music up and jam out. Because nothing says childless for the night like a little gangster rap.
11:35- Because of construction, take detour in sketchy part of town. Turn music down.
11:42- Think about the baby. Wonder if she’ll miss me tonight.
11:43- “Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems” come on. Forget about baby. Belt out lyrics.
12:01 pm- Arrive at Mel’s. Put stuff away. We take her car and go out to lunch.
12:15- Decide on Chipotle. Pull up. Chipotle is closed. Why is Chipotle closed? Go eat Taco Bell instead. Revel in not having to clean up a high chair.
1:20- Shop. Buy things for the baby at consignment sale. Neglect to by things for self. Revel in not having to haul around a baby.
2:45- City High’s “What Would You Do” comes on. Belt out lyrics together in the car like it’s 2001.
“What would you do if your son was at home
Crying all alone
On the bedroom floor,
Cause he’s hungry and the only way to feed him is to sleep with a man for a little bit of money?
And his daddy’s gone somewhere smokin’ rock now,
In and out of lock down,
I ain’t got a job now,
So for you this is just a good time
But for me this is what I call life”
—Finish with a “OOO-OO!” together.
2:47- It occurs to us that we are old as shit.
4:00- Pick up groceries for dinner. Text Chris to ask how it’s going. Baby has not burned down the house. Success.
4:25- Pump. Bake blueberry cream cheese bars for my family party the next day. Screw up. Mel restarts it, and it comes out of the oven looking like blueberry cream cheese bars.
6:00- Sit down to dinner of frozen Aldi pizza and Caesar salad. Talk about our sex lives and biggest fears. Pretty much the same things we’ve been talking about since we were 16.
7:40- Paint our nails. Have a Very Serious discussion about how to keep the polish from smearing on our nails.
7:42- I am distracted. Smear nail polish. Swear. Repaint.
7:45- Mel smears her nail polish. Swears. Repaints.
7:46- I revel that I have so much free time tonight.
10:45- We decide we’re old as shit and go to bed. Pump.
10:55- Send Chris a selfie of me in bed. Tell him goodnight.
10:57- He’s a tolerant husband, and sends one back. I tell him to send me one of him naked. He declines.
11:10- Read for a few minutes until I pass out.
???- Wake up. No clue what time it is. Where am I? Is that the baby? No. I’m childless.
???- Wake up again. Have to pee.
7:45 am- Wake up. Pump. Mel makes scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast. A huge storm is sweeping through the cities.
9:00- Run outside together and pull my car into the garage to prevent any hail damage.
9:20- Make snotty comment that only BFF can make that she seriously needs to take up a coffee habit so I can have my coffee in the mornings at her house. She tells me she totally forgot, but her husband does keep some coffee around periodically. Demand for her to tell me why she was holding out on me.
9:25- Sip coffee. Revel that I can drink it without a single microwave reheat from chasing a baby around.
10:30- Say my goodbyes. Pack refrigerated breastmilk, and all my stuff. Excited to see the baby. And the husband.
11:34- Arrive home, anticipating huge smiles and squeals of delight. What I got was… nothing. She did not give a shit that I was there. Ran over past me to her coloring book.
11:40- Chris comes downstairs. Olivia runs over with a huge smile on her face and greets him. Runs over to her kitchen. Squeals with glee at plastic corn on the cob. I am nothing to her. She is over me.