I’ve been on a weird hiatus from all this. Blogging, social media, my freelance work. Even sitting down to write this is hard. (Ok, that could be because I’m trying to watch Orange is the New Black before Olivia wakes up.)
I’ve disappeared from writing before, when I just don’t feel like sitting down at the computer. I try to ride these moments out, because I know forcing my writing doesn’t do any good. I think I just need that unplugging, and we’ve definitely been busy around here.
Olivia had her third stomach flu since the end of February. I don’t even know how she got this one, since the only people she was around last weekend was our family. But last Sunday she threw up right before lunch (thankfully NOT when we were out and about like we would have been 20 minutes later). We weren’t sure what that was all about, since she was acting fine afterward. I, of course, was having a lot of anxiety afterward, the same anxiety that has more or less stuck around since her first stomach flu back in February. Then she got sick in May, and now again at the beginning of June.
I was able to get out of the house for a few hours which helped, and she seemed fine after her nap, so we decided to still keep our plans for her cousin’s birthday party. I still had an uneasy feeling and sure enough, about five minutes into the car ride, around 5;00, she threw up in her car seat. We returned home and Chris worked on the car seat (though it probably would have been easier just to light it on fire) and I took her into the house. I could feel my vision getting fuzzy and knew I was thisclose to a full on panic attack.
I begged Chris to work from home the next day, but in order for him to do that, he needed to drive into the city to get his laptop’s power cord. I messaged my friend while he was gone, (and in between the poor baby throwing up) telling her how much I so couldn’t do this parenting thing right now. She was my one person who could completely understand the debilitating anxiety with vomiting babies, and had originally contacted me after Olivia was sick the first time. She had shared her own story and helped me realize all this anxiety could in fact be a legit phobia of vomiting. I hung on to her (virtually) the rest of the evening as Olivia vomited 7 times and finally stopped about 7:00 that evening. The one good thing was that this all didn’t happen in the middle of the night (because we all know how everything is worse in the middle of the night) and I was able to get some ice chips in her, then some sips of water, and finally, some breastmilk before we put her to bed, exhausted, at 9:30.
Chris woke up at 2:30 am to give her some sips of water, because I didn’t want her to go all night without drinking anything.
Monday she was much better, but we were all exhausted. Chris worked downstairs, but I had a needy baby that I was trying to keep happy (and hydrated) and oh you guys. My anxiety was so bad. And I’m not a good mama to Olivia when I am blinded by my fears.
This past Wednesday I bit the bullet and started researching therapists. Unfortunately, there are only three therapists in the cities that can help with phobias and have certain therapy regimens I need. At the recommendation by a therapist friend, I found one to try out for my general anxiety and then I will see if she can refer me for this further phobia thing. In the meantime, I know talking with her will help with my anxiety in general. I’ve been dealing with a lot of stuff recently. More than what I can talk about on here. But I’ve decided enough is enough and I need to get help with this. I need someone to help me deal with the anxiety that’s been plaguing me for years. As I promised here, I will talk more about all this in future blog posts.
But the point of all this is to say, I’m starting therapy and I’m looking forward to it. My first appointment unfortunately isn’t until July 13th, but I already feel better, having that date set. So, here we go.
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