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My shrinking ass and other pipe dreams

We’ve been getting a lot of questions about when we are going back to Texas for an FET—AKA, to try for a sibling for Olivia, or what should really be called Operation Attempt This Shit Again.

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You know. Hormone injections. Mostly in my ass. Doctor’s appointments. Vagina cams. Stomach being twisted into knots because something isn’t going right—usually it’s that bitch Estrogen. Travel plans. And you know, there’s that whole uncertainty that the hours spent planning, executing and praying for a sibling may all go down the shitter—along with several thousands of dollars that we won’t ever see again.

I hate being infertile. I hate it. Fuuuuuuck.

Ok, seriously. We’ve been getting questions, and really, we’ve been getting them for awhile. And when I say awhile, I mean while I was still pregnant with Olivia. A legit inquiry, I get it, but it does lend a certain air of freaking out about the whole thing.

I’m going to save all that for another post, but today I wanted to talk about something I’ve talked on here about before.

My ass.

It’s no secret that infertility messed my body up. When you go through what I’ve gone through to get a baby, you don’t get to come out of it looking like you did when you got married and still thought babies came from sex.

(They don’t, by the way. Write that down.) At least they don’t always and sorry to disappoint, but there will be no surprise pregnancy coming from yours truly. So Texas. So FET. So we attempt this shit again.

Infertility messed my body up, but so did pregnancy. And then by the time I had a newborn I was so focused on the whole keeping her alive aspect of parenthood that I didn’t think about myself. And then when I had a 15 month old, I had discovered Aldi makes really good french onion dip and it’s been downhill like that for awhile now.

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I need to lose weight before we do another transfer. I haven’t worked out, save for the walks outside, in about 2.5 years. I had preeclampsia and a C-section. I’m grossly deconditioned. Pathetically deconditioned. And I don’t know how I would handle another pregnancy. I don’t know how I would handle preeclampsia—since there’s a high probability I may get it again. And it actually makes me quite concerned.

This isn’t an intro into bringing you into the painfully boring journey of weight loss for me. I’m just saying I’m needing to make a change sooner rather than later in order to be in the best condition I can to prepare for the possibility of another pregnancy.

I joined the YMCA this weekend. I’m glad I didn’t have a membership since Olivia had been born because there is no way I would have gone. But now I’m drawn in to the free child care. And you guys, Mama needs a freaking break. Join my email list and I’ll delve into a little more about that there. So I justify the $50/month price tag by simply stating it’s $50 a month in child care. Pocket change, right?

I went Sunday and did a core conditioning class and WHILE it was physically awful, it felt good working out again. Sweating from something more tedious than carrying Olivia up three flights of stairs. So I think this will be a good thing. I hope it is.

It will be. I haven’t brought Olivia since she was developing a bit of a cold, but I’m hoping today we can get back there and I can drop her off for a bit.

Here’s a throwback to January 2013: My first IUI. Back when I thought crossing my fingers would be good enough to get pregnant. Ah, Grasshopper. How young you are. How skinny. How adorably naive. Let’s get back to that, shall we? Well perhaps that, but a bit older. And a bit less naive.

You can find more of this week’s #MicroblogMondays posts by clicking here.

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23 Comments on "My shrinking ass and other pipe dreams"

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Rebecca
Member
Ugh. I get this so much. I went from a year of fertility treatments to pregnancy to breastfeeding (which did NOT help me lose weight, I think I was one of those who kept weight on because of it. And I was always starving.), to IVF stims to FETs to a miscarriage to this pregnancy, and OMG my body! It has convinced me that we have to be done after this baby, because I can’t put myself through it again. And hopefully one day I will feel more in control of my body. (And of course I’m starting this pregnancy… Read more »
Jess
Guest
I am so sorry that people are asking the questions, and that it STARTED WHEN YOU WERE PREGNANT? Yikes, no pressure there. I really feel like infertility changes your perspective on your body, and it is such a struggle to see it as a friend and not a foe. But I have been talking to multiple people who are taking their bodies back — not to be skinny, but to be healthy, and to feel strong and like the body is not a broken thing that betrays them. It sounds like you are feeling this, too. I need to do… Read more »
Jenny
Guest

I am not kidding or exaggerating when I tell you that we were asked when we were having another baby when I was TWELVE FREAKING WEEKS pregnant with the first. What is wrong with people?!?!

Good for you on joining the Y. I’m sure it will be just as good for you mentally as it is physically. 🙂

Mel
Guest

Standing up and applauding because getting started with working out deserves applause. It is HARD. It’s hard to get yourself in there and stick with it. So we’re all cheering you on.

nonsequiturchica
Guest

I’m starting back at exercise as well so let’s work on this together! 🙂

Ashley
Guest

“…when you got married and still thought babies came from sex.

(They don’t, by the way. Write that down.)”

Best lines ever!!! I’m wishing you the best on starting down the path to a healthier you – it’s something I too need to do, but oh the struggles! Sending you many well wishes and motivation!!

Counting Pink Lines
Guest

Yep, ditto on this!

Kami
Guest

I hated it when people asked me when is the next one coming… Even after 3 kids people would say ‘it’s about time!’ like who’s fucking time are they talking about? Ugh. You do your thing girl. Great things coming your way. xx

Jane allen
Guest

I found that I didn’t drop the last bit of weight until I stopped breastfeeding (I’m sure you know, they will require you to stop before attempting a transfer) I know I’ve written a bit about it on my blog, but Whole 30 will get you results. Yes, it’s tough, but think of it as tough love, you just follow the rules for 30 days, but will learn a lot of good habits. Love that you have a gym with day care!

Traci York
Guest

“And then when I had a 15 month old, I had discovered Aldi makes really good french onion dip and it’s been downhill like that for awhile now.”

LOL! I’ve had one or two (thousand) discoveries like this, so yeah – totally relate. Excellent point about the child care too – where else could you get that much babysitting for only $50? Good luck with the new exercise regime! 🙂

Renee
Guest
Oh, yes, I totally hear this. IVF/miscarriage/pregnancy/c-sections definitely take a toll on the body…right there with you. Like others have said, I’m convinced this “breastfeeding leads to weight loss” business is a total myth as well. Good for you for joining the Y! Hopefully it will be a helpful step for mental and physical health. And ohhhh, I hear you about the “more kids” questions! I’ve gotten asked so many times, including when pregnant. Totally frustrating. I do think people find a way to ask these sorts of questions no matter the situation, though. I have a very fertile friend… Read more »
Counting Pink Lines
Guest

Good for you and enjoy it!
I’ve decided similarly — during my methotrexate-enforced break from ttc, my plan is to work out regularly. As you said, it’s not about the weight but just to be strong and healthy so that my body can eventually handle pregnancy and labor well.

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