It’s Friday. Mommy needs vodka.

I’ve learned a lot of things about being a parent in the last eight and a half months. Namely:

~People will give you all sorts of unsolicited advice about what’s best for your baby.

~You will cry every time you put away something they’ve grown out of-baby swings, clothes, toys.

~Babies will always do their own thing and leave you feeling like a clueless asshole.

Mama, you know nothing about me.

Case in point. I’ve never tried really sleep training Olivia. I kind of just let her do her thing, and she’s been pretty good in recent months. Then we had about two weeks of her waking twice a night before she turned around and gave us 12 hours of solid sleep! Then did it again the next night! But then yesterday, she decided she didn’t want to take her (much needed) naps; what she wanted to do was climb all over me and scream in my ear. By the evening and into the night, she was a cranky, cranky mess. For several hours. It was slowly causing me to LOSE IT.

This morning, after going out for breakfast with my parents, I brought a very tired, eye-rubbing baby back to the bedroom for a nap. Then she proceeded to scream bloody murder like I was ripping her tiny fingernails off one by one. And then I realized that Breaking Bad was on Netflix and ignored the laundry and dishes that had to be done because you can only listen to your little adorable preshus screaming for so long before you need to witness a little bit of meth cooking and violence to balance it all out.

Olivia is getting older, you guys. She used to lay on her back under her activity mat and bat at the toys. Now I have to run at her with wet, soapy hands from doing the dishes as she tries to grab the dog bowls, the Bose speaker cord, or those little decorative statues that I have yet to put up from the corner of the kitchen.  She loves climbing in the kitchen chairs under the table and getting stuck and screeching and then doing it all over again when I’ve freed her.

I feel like we are getting dangerously close to being required to actually…parent.  Which I find to be terrifying. Up until now, I’ve been pretty comfortable with the whole Keep Alive part of being a mom. But now, it’s like everything is changing again and I find myself sternly in my Mom Voice saying, “Olivia Nicole, you put down that dog food.” Which kind of makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside because I’ve always wanted to say that.

I’m doing a terrible job at teaching her the meaning of No. Or, maybe just that No is not hilarious. She’s well aware of the meaning of No. It clearly means: do something not allowed, pause when the mother says no, smile toothless smile at the mother, carry on. Bonus if the mother laughs at the baybee because OMG SHE IS BAD AND SHE ACTS JUST LIKE MEEEEEE! HOW CUTE AND MUSHY! LOLZ WITH MY HAND OVER MY MOUTH.

Anyway, the baby-proofing of the house is still a work in progress. And I have yet to get back into the swing of things with this whole crawling and suicidal standing she likes to do where she holds on to something and then flies backward and screams her head off. I’m waiting for the day she does this over the wood floor and I’m not quick enough and her head bounces off the floor. Oy.

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Baby proofing and alcohol. Those two certainly go together. The sad part is once you've baby-proofed for one stage, it changes again and again and again (and again). So there's really no point where you can declare "Done!"

And my alcohol consumption is at an all-time high too.

One sad story: She-Beat is mimicking her teachers. She'll say in her best valley girl voice "Oh. My. Goodness. Do you need to go to the office?" To which He-Beat will respond "No!" And then they both giggle uncontrollably. It's really hard not to laugh. Ugh.


I think you are a great mommy! I love your updates and your writing style. 🙂 Baby Olivia is adorable!


Whew so I'm not alone here, thank goodness!! Im paranoid about the head bouncing off the wood floors too except thanks goodness, I think, he has to wear this helmet so I guess there is a plus to that after all. Well except that he bangs his head against stuff ya know because he can, downside he still does it when the helmet is off, no good! haha I need a margarita stat!!


Oh and I LOVE looking at Olivia's picture she makes the best faces!!! and she is adorable of course 🙂


Just keep using the No word, Kate was just about a year before she seemed to understand 'no don't eat cat food'. Of course her understanding is really absorbed as she'll turn her head when we try to feed her. It goes both ways!


You are a great mom and are doing a perfect job easing that girl. My daughter didn't sleep through the night until she was 3 . Then she started waking at least once a night again. Some babies sleep like shit, unfortunately. Take your time, do the best you can and deal with stuff as it comes. You will get there.


Sorry, I'm laughing at this because WELCOME TO TODDLERHOOD. It's fun and horrible and scary and hilarious all at the same time (well, ok, not the exact same time but within milliseconds of each other). For the record, we've had our share of near death experiences but he actually seems to learn from them and becomes more cautious as a result. Not that I'm recommending letting your toddler fall down the stairs, but a teensy tumble or two won't kill them.


Super entertaining to read and a great summary of how I felt about the transition from infancy into toddlerhood. Lol. Clueless asshole. yup, me too.


I can't help but laugh, because well, we've all been there! (and still are) It's amazing how resilient babies/kids are though, when their poor heads take a beating. I think mommy cries over the bumps and bruises a lot longer than they do!


We are also lazy parents. I like it. I don't even apologize for it anymore. And no is a joke at this age. At least sometimes. Sometimes I have to physically move her away from danger.