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Now that I’m on the other side

Do you remember the first place you reached out for infertility support?

I haven’t thought about this in years. In April 2012, I created Who Shot Down My Stork? But that wasn’t the first place I found support. There was (and still is) a website called Daily Strength. I don’t even know how I found it. But I registered, created my own little profile (sans picture because I didn’t know how to upload one from my laptop’s photo library) and saw a space where you could link a website or blog. So guess what? I created this blog so that I would have a link to put there, because apparently that’s what the other cool cats were doing. And when I say cool cats, I mean the girls who all had user names like Wishing4Baby23.

I became “friends” with the other women on there and actively commented on posts for a few months.  I then started writing regularly on this blog that following December and that is when I found my community.

Every blogger knows that the way to get others to read your blog is to read others’ and comment. Commenting used to be a big thing. I remember excitedly telling Chris about the first comments left on my blog. About when I started actually getting followers.

We had our first appointment at the fertility clinic later on that month and I remember making a post on Facebook, my very first “coming out.” I was terrified no one would care. When I created my Facebook page for my blog, I was terrified no one would care. Because let’s be honest. You create a blog for other people to read. Those who say they have a public blog to only write for themselves are lying. We want others to read our blog. We want to share our story. We love comments. I was no different. I commented and followed other blogs so that they in turn would reciprocate. I had dreams of becoming a big blogger. I wanted a big following. One because I’m an attention-whore. And two… I’m an attention whore. I wanted to be heard. I had no control over my fertility, but this I could control. I could gain a following. I could be a voice for others. And selfishly, I could surround myself with people who understood.

Eventually, I became part of a big group of women who blogged about their infertility. We all got to know one another. We gave each other blog awards. We did sock exchanges. We did ornament exchanges. We all participated in ICLW.

95% of those bloggers I followed got pregnant or adopted. About half stopped blogging. A quarter post once a month (like me) or less. Very few continue to post regularly.

Over the last year I have sought out some blogs who are in the throes of infertility. But it’s not the same. ICLW has ended due to a dwindling number of people willing to do it. There are no more silly blog awards. Commenting has decreased. I’ve noticed it on my own blog. People comment much more on my Facebook posts now.

Now that I have my daughter, things aren’t the same in this space anymore. And that kind of makes me sad. I mean, I have a baby. I got exactly what I wanted. And my blogging friends, most of whom I am now Facebook friends with, are parents. Some are on their second and third child. And we all comment on our own Facebook statuses and pictures of our kids. So I mean, my community is still here, it’s just evolved into a more personal relationship.

I’ve read a lot of blog posts about parenting after infertility. I read about the guilt and uncertainty about where these women now fit. Are you still an infertility blogger when you have a baby? Are you a mom blogger after spending so many years trying to get pregnant? Where do you fit in?

I am to the point where I don’t feel guilty for being happy. I spent so many years struggling. I have cried more in these past few years than I ever have. I have exhausted funds and pushed my body to its limits in terms of hormones and injections.

Do you want to know what I think about infertility? I think it sucks. I think it’s unfair. I think people are so ignorant about infertility that it makes me stabby. Having a baby hasn’t erased my bitterness toward the overly fertile. Dulled it? Perhaps. But I still have inappropriate reactions to pregnancy announcements. I have a strange stalkeresque instant bond with people who have gone through infertility treatments. Like I have the need to completely overshare about my vagina and Chris’s sperm. (More than my usual need to overshare on these things that is.)

We do want another baby. I mean, I’m still infertile. Nothing has changed. I’m not going to get pregnant on my own. Around Olivia’s 2nd birthday we are planning on flying back to Houston for an FET, and I know I will blog about that. I will post about shots and doctor’s appointments and lining measurements along with Olivia updates.

So what I’m trying to say is that, I still need this space. More than once I have thought about quitting it. I wonder who cares to read about baby updates. Everyone has babies. Olivia is a miracle, but my posts have become more parenting thoughts than infertility. But then I realize how much I need this space. Whether it’s for monthly baybee updates or whining about my uterus. I need this blog. And if I can be honest, I want people to still read. It’s why I have made more of an effort to comment on blogs again. 

As long as I feel I have something to say, I need to continue to write.

My story. Clearly it’s not over.

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21 Comments on "Now that I’m on the other side"

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Lavonne @ the OCD infertile
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I had Blogger for almost 8 years, I recently migrated over to Word Press in hopes of finding more people to connect with in an easier way. While I have found some you are right, it just isn't the same. I've never had a lot of followers but people used to comment and interact much more than they do now. As much as my blog is for me it does make it hard to want to continue blogging when I feel as though no one is really out there…it's just part of it. We all want to be heard. I… Read more »
Risa
Guest

I'm so glad you can relate! It's just changed. I'm not on IG but like FB, yes, there is more interaction but you're right. It's hard to get to really know people.

Jennifer
Guest

I am a very long-time blogger. I had minor struggles to get pregnant (PCOS) but my blogging predates that by a long time. In any case, I'm sad about the general demise of blogging. There are a few of us out there still plugging away, though.

Cristy
Guest
What you're talking about is so common. We start out strong with blogging while in the trenches. We have purpose and others are cheering us on. And then something changes. Either we begin to parent or we make the decision to pursue other paths to resolution. And with that comes the shift. Like you, I've wondered where my place is in this community. I too have thought about closing up shop. But with all that life has thrown at me, I find I still need to write. Even when no one else is commenting and traffic is slow. I write… Read more »
Melissa
Guest

Please keep writing! I want to follow your journey!

ooftr
Guest

I've been reading your blog for quite a while now and I really enjoy it. I hope you keep writing for a long time 🙂

Amanda Eisenberg
Guest

Please stay!!!! I read your posts about O to H – telling her all about this other miracle baby who came from gifted eggs. Granted H is two weeks younger than O and has no idea what I'm saying but still 🙂

Misty Lindstrom
Guest

I'm still updating (or trying to catch up) on my blog too but for now have made it private. But we are soon doing another (6th to be exact) IVF for baby #2. So this really hits home to me.

Stephanie
Guest

Great post! I totally agree! I'm a once a monther when it comes to posting and I'm bad at commenting. I will try harder! 😉

I always love reading your posts!

jAllen
Guest
Still enjoy reading. I can't believe I've been blogging for 3.5 years and I often ask myself, 'how long am I going to keep doing this?" I've become many facebook friends with the core of my blogger friends (which meant revealing my true identity) and in general, it is easier to comment on FB, but I still get so excited when I see a new post in my feed, as I always enjoy reading. I know it's hard to make the transformations from intertile to pregnant to parenting. I confess I didn't read a lot of monthly update when I… Read more »
Jenni
Guest

I'm still here. I think that's part of what makes our situation even harder – I'm now the "veteran" as many of the people I started with 3-4 years ago are now parents (don't get me wrong – I'm BEYOND thrilled for them – and YOU!). Infertility is such an isolating thing and feeling like you are literally the only one left is an extra punch in the stomach. But your stories, and the stories of others do, when I stop my pity-party, give me so much hope that one day it will be us as well.

Amie
Guest

I love reading your blog and the updates especially since our babies are so close in age and both started at HFI!! I get it that it's hard sometimes because life is busy these days but I also still like blogging as I can and reading as I can. As you said, things have changed on my blog too but they are whatever we want them to be 🙂

rapunzel.emma
Guest

I read all your updates whether I comment or not. And I'm a random Australian with ivf twins. I love the parenting posts 🙂

belovedburnttoast
Guest

Amen to all of this! It's inevitable that things change, I guess, but even sporadic updates are better than none at all. At least that's what I keep telling myself. I'm still here reading and enjoying, and can't wait to hear about your journey to baby #2!! Eek!

Elizabeth S
Guest
I have loved following your journey and as someone just starting out in blogging I know the feeling of needing a space to write but not exactly having a a clear direction on where the writing might end up or where the blog might go. All I can say is I still very much enjoy reading your point of view on life because you have the background of being infertile that allows the rest of us who have been through it to relate to each other and see things in a unique way. I look forward to continuing to follow… Read more »
Heather
Guest

I read you! I'm also momming after infertility, and I love your blog.

Marcy
Guest

I written about this too, the ghost town blog world, but you said it much better!

JOY
Guest

I just love you.

Jc
Guest
Hi. I don't recall how I found your blog, but at the time I had just lost our twin infants after a two year battle with infertility. At that point, we threw in the towel. Not only was it difficult to get pregnant, it was a monumental challenge to STAY pregnant. And then suddenly, I got pregnant and with many doctors appointments, extra meds, extra procedures, and just plain sitting on the couch and doing nothing, I delivered our daughter at 39 weeks. She is a year old, and I struggle with where I fit in the infertility world. I… Read more »
A Few Good Eggs
Guest

Still reading and look forward to hearing your continuing journey.

Tia @ GoodGenes
Guest

I didn't even think to find support groups with blogging. I just always blogged about my struggles to get pregnant, not really defining anything. Now that we are elbow deep in IVF this year, I find myself trying to source other blogs in the similar situation, or, like you, who have made it out the other side successfully! I'll continue to read!

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