Sometimes I can’t believe I really made it out of the first trimester alive. Just for the sheer terror of miscarrying alone. I’m definitely not naive enough to think I’m still guaranteed a baby. I’m very well versed in things that can go catastrophically wrong. I know too many women who have lost their babies in the second or third trimester. And I know those things are rare, like 1% of women. I must know many of them. I know this makes me jaded and I try to not think that the same thing is going to happen to me. I’m writing my own story. Still, I’ve seen the indescribable heartache these losses bring and it’s hard to separate my own pregnancy from that.
That being said, though I am not naive, I am doing my best to move forward and talk, act, and think like there will be a baby in my arms in December. That means I am doing remarkably well going day by day without worrying the baby is no longer alive. This could be due to the fact that I now have a home Doppler which I refer to as “insurance for crazy-ass pregnant infertiles.”
Want to listen?
This was recorded last night and sounds different than the usual “whomp whomp” that I grew used to. This galloping heartbeat could possibly be due to her growing, the fact that I was out in the heat and sun all day, or possibly that piece of cake I ate when I haven’t been eating a lot of sweets so far in this pregnancy (read: baby is going nuts).
I’m trying to let go of the fear and just enjoy this pregnancy. I’ve been reading up on what is happening with the baby and my body week by week. This week folks, the little one is learning to suck her thumb. Suck her thumb. *I die*
Symptom-wise, I’m definitely not as tired anymore, but the nausea, while improving some, is still very much there. Yes, still gagging constantly, still dry heaving, still refusing to throw up. Something has to give soon.
This morning, I got up from the couch to grab, I don’t know, more food probably, and was struck by what from here on out will now be known as “Lightning Crotch.” Stab… stab, STABBING pain in my lady bits that literally made me bend over at the waist, and hiss, “OW! Sonofabitchwhore!” while grabbing futilely between my legs.
Yes. I’ve been officially initiated into the second trimester.