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In which I probably make a giant ass of myself and everyone stops reading

December 3rd, 2012.

That was my first post, technically. That day I decided to post my struggle with infertility out on Facebook, coming clean with, like, a ton of people that SURPRISE! Those comments of “Oh, I’m still in school, and we’re so busy that we’re waiting until we both graduate before starting a family” or, “Oh yeah, we just started trying! We’ll see what happens!” weren’t really true. I was lying. I was actually frantically screwing my husband every night and crying into my ovulation sticks trying desperately, albeit unsuccessfully to get knocked up.

It’s been a long time you guys. Almost six years of trying to get pregnant and two years spent blogging about it. And I’m finally writing this post, because it’s been on my mind a lot lately, and you know how I like to overshare every aspect of my personal life and make a total jerk out of myself.

image via Unsplash

I know there are a lot of infertility bloggers out there. When I started blogging, I got in this sort of group of bloggers that all commented on each others posts and organized sock exchanges. Down the road, I realized I was commenting less and less as I started a more demanding job that basically left me at 20% battery once I got home and I decided to use that time sprawling spread eagle on the couch staring at the TV and eating Pizza Rolls rather than reading blogs. When I came back to it a few months ago, I realized almost all of them had gone and gotten pregnant. Now, my feed is filled with blogs on teething, on which stroller to buy. The bloggers I became friends with on Facebook suddenly had pictures of their babies.

Here’s the thing. I am so happy for them. I have seen them struggle. I have seen the defeat, the negative tests, the virtual tears shed that infertility sucks and they felt like giving up. I am so happy that they have their babies. But it brings with it, this thought of, God what am I still doing here? It’s like being picked last in gym class. I’m so infertile you guys. Like, three failed IUIs, three failed IVFs, three miscarried babies, and a failed donor cycle with one more on the way- infertile.

I love blogging. And I know that even if no one read my blog anymore, and all my friends have babies except me… I’m still going to want to blog. About my sonofabitchwhore uterus that keeps insisting on being non-pregnant at all hours of the day. Because I don’t know any other way. But I wonder sometimes what the fate of this blog will be. When will I stop blogging?

image via Unsplash

Do I see myself as a mommy blogger? I don’t know. Talking about how I make my own baby food isn’t nearly as fun as talking about my vagina and how I threatened to take away my husband’s PS4 if he hit a nerve in my butt giving my PIO shots, gawddamnit!

But what if I don’t have kids? What happens then? I’ve read so many blogs on how infertility doesn’t define someone. Hell, I probably wrote about too at one point.

Oh, wait I did!

But you guys. Somewhere along the way, I became an infertility blogger. You take away the shitty reproductive organs and all you’re left with is… me. And trust me. I’m not that interesting. My husband got me this hand-made pot thing, sort of like a dutch oven for Christmas this year? I took pictures of it and told anyone who would listen that I couldn’t wait to make my mother-in-law’s famous baked beans in there. Really. Am not. That interesting.

I love blogging and sharing my story. There are days though, where I want to fling myself down on the floor and have a legit toddler tantrum that this is so unfair, every one around me is getting pregnant and I’m on my second donor cycle with a bank account that is emptying at an alarming rate. When is it going to be MY turn!?

And even reading that, I see how ridiculous that sounds. But seriously I want to be such a cry baby about it. I even thought to myself: self, do you realize how much of a cry baby you’re being, and I want to roll my eyes at you.

I thank you, if you’re still reading this. And if all of you quit reading, thinking, gawd what a pathetic loser, and it’s just my mom reading this… Hi Mom. I just finished a really good book I think you would like.

This is a jumbled mess and it’s late at night, and… thank you for reading this. For sticking by me and reading this blog, even though it’s been two darn forsaken years and I’m still no closer to a baby.

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40 Comments on "In which I probably make a giant ass of myself and everyone stops reading"

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Aislinn
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Risa, I will always be here reading and cheering you on. I may not comment often (mostly because I'm afraid to say much when I've made it to the other side,) but I think about you often (….that sounds creepy, sorry!) and hope with all of my heart that you get your baby soon.

P.S. What book did you finish? I'm always looking for recommendations!

Melissa Long
Guest
This doesn't sound ridiculous to me at all! In fact, it sounds like ME. After being an IF blogger, I never have figured out what to write about. My blog has turned into a journal, and I like that in the way that it helps me remember sweet little things I know I'd forget otherwise, I also figure its pretty dull to read! But I'm still blogging, and if at some point I don't have a single reader, well I guess that's okay. And if someday I have something new to write about, that's great too. Blog on!
Amanda
Guest
LOVE YOU! Love your honesty. Love that you wear your heart (and your mouth) on your sleeve. Love that you always make me laugh, even when I know it's coming from a place of pain. Love that you're here, still trying, still working through this crap. I know it feels like we got left in the dirt… 2014 was a BIG year filled with tons and tons and tons of success. Which is awesome, but it still hurts. It hurts that you don't know what to say to your friend discussing the differences between a mobi and a k'tan. It… Read more »
Rebecca
Guest

I love your writing. And I think that when you have your baby(which you will!), you will still find things to write about. Infertility doesn't stop once you get the baby; it still largely defines who you are. I've only experienced pregnancy so far (37 weeks now), but pregnancy is a WHOLE DIFFERENT WORLD after infertility and miscarriage. It's just so different, and there is plenty to write about. And I imagine it's the same once the baby comes. Especially when you are a gifted writer, as you are.

Risa
Guest

Thank you Aislinn! It's called "The Sound of Butterflies" by Rachael King. 🙂

Risa
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dubliner in Deutschland
Guest

I'm still following your blog and crossing my fingers for you!!

Kandie Walker
Guest

Still reading! Love that you are still blogging and still being honest! I will continue to pray for you guys!

Suzanne
Guest
All I could think of reading this was "did we talk about this"…"is she reading my mind". Cause yeah, I get this so much. On so many levels. And even if my surrogate is pregnant after all the shit we've gone through, I am still the same ole infertile and nothing will ever change that my children will not have my genetics and will not be carried by me. And that's okay. I'm going to love them with such fierceness that I will probably drive them crazy…but…I'm still and always will be infertile. So my point is…I'm still reading…and I'm… Read more »
Amie
Guest

Still in the pile of us that don't have a baby to talk about yet so I get what you are saying here. I really am running out of stuff to talk about other than stuff IF related because I'm pretty boring too. I'm still reading your blogs though 🙂

Cristy
Guest
I think I wrote a post like this too. While in the trenches, I remember my cohort going on, getting pregnant and me feeling left in the dust (we had stopped treatments and didn't know what road to take moving forward). Trust me, I get where you're coming from. Reading post after post about pregnancy, pregnancy related-products and all things baby when you aren't even sure if you'll ever parent hurts. Of course you're happy for these ladies. I was over the moon for my cohort. But feeling left behind is so hard. As much as it may feel that… Read more »
catwoman73
Guest
I quit trying for #2 two years ago, and have totally moved on with my life… but I'm still here reading. Not going anywhere! I know what it's like to feel left behind. I was on mat leave with my daughter when several of my friends got pregnant with their first babies. By the time I had my fourth loss when ttc #2, they all had their second babies. Life is horribly unfair, and the temptation to have a temper tantrum is completely understandable. But always know that your place IS here. We're all here for you.
Jenni Moore
Guest

I am right there with you. I did the exact same thing recently. I looked at my "reading list" of blogs on my site after not looking for quite some time. Umm…most of them are pregnant or have already had the babies. So yeah, I get it! I'm glad you're still blogging about your stubborn uterus! Wishing you the best on your upcoming cycle!

Heidi
Guest

I'm still reading. I may not comment much. I may have a baby now but I don't forget what it felt like. Keep writing and keep being honest. And I'll keep reading.

Shannon Kley
Guest
Your honesty is so outstanding. This sounds so terribly horrible, but sometimes I don't WANT to hear that I'm not alone. I don't WANT to hear that IF doesn't define me, along with all the other things we say to each other to boost us up. Don't get me wrong, I have bad days and good days, and on the good ones, I am empowered by those messages. But you're right… most of the time, I just want to cancel my Facebook (so I don't have to see someone else's pregnancy announcement) and just loathe in my self-pity and how… Read more »
mallory
Guest

I'm reading =). I totally get where you're coming from… maybe we're reading the same blogs that I used to commiserate with but now envy their new mom lifes. Just know you're not alone, I'm transitioning to prospective adoptive mommy blogger and it's like "how do I still not have a child???". Just wanted you to know you're not alone girl.

Aubrey
Guest

For what it's worth- I'm sticking by you and will be reading your blog for as long as you write… No matter what it's about. Be a cry baby, knows I was! No matter how big a cry baby- it's all understandable and relatable (for me, at least). XOXOXO

Rachel
Guest

I'm still following and still 100% NOT pregnant. I'm also trying to figure out what to do with my blog these days….

Farra
Guest
I'm totally with you, too. I have not blogged much about infertility in the last year, because I honestly haven't had much to say. I read them every once in a while, but like you, most of the ones I followed are now about babies and pregnancy, and I honestly just don't care to read about that on a daily basis. I'm so sorry you've been through so much and are still on this side of things. You have every right to have a tantrum. Have several tantrums! I do it all the fucking time, and I am not yet… Read more »
Stasy
Guest

Risa, none of this sounds ridiculous or whiny or crybaby. You have been dealt a shitty, shitty hand and it sucks. You are allowed to throw tantrums. You are allowed to be pissed, sad, numb. Whatever it takes.

Holly
Guest
I can relate. Once we hit 11 failed IUIs and our 3rd IVF resulted in the triplets that I lost all at 3 different points, I couldn't believe I was back to square one. Call me evil, selfish, etc but I couldn't bear to look at those stupid how to make your own baby food blogs. I had to stop following people because I was too weak. It reminded me of what I couldn't achieve/didn't have, was still stuck in. There were even a few people I had followed to make myself feel better-you know the kind where their situation… Read more »
Em
Guest

We are with you in this. I know it's so easy to say and what does that really mean, but we really, really are. Some of the women in this community are still waiting and you cannot imagine how often each of you comes to mind…especially you, Amanda and Caroline. We are with you in this.

Em
Guest

And…once you're a mom, you can still write about whatever you want. I've never written about baby carriers or making baby food but I still have plenty of mom stuff and life stuff to write about. I bet you'll keep writing. You'll need it them just like you need it now.

Kimberly Taylor
Guest
I think you are a gifted writer, and should always keep this url open! Like the many others before my, I love reading about anything you have to write about. Your sense of sarcasim is just like mine. I'm sorry you have to be stuggling like this. But you know what? Its easy to say, and hard to go through but we'll all come out the other end of this so strong. And WHEN we have babies, our familys will be so strong because we will have worked so hard for them. Keep on keep'n on!! (and keep writing!!)
Katie Jeanne
Guest

Risa,
I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your blog. You have so many people behind you, so I do hope you keep blogging because you have a gift. You have a gift to relate to so many people and you have the perfect way of saying things! We are here for you. We are praying for you. If there is any way we can fight for you, we will! You are one incredible woman!

Amanda Eisenberg
Guest

Still here reading – and trying right along with you! We're going on three years of trying, two years with a RE and also on the donor path. Looking like we'll have our DFET sometime mid-February, assuming my estrogen levels have returned to normal. Hopefully we'll both be on Lovenox sooner rather than later, and for the long haul at that 🙂

Aramis
Guest

I'm definitely still reading and plan on sticking around to see you through this. And you're absolutely right, none of this is fair. It's not fair that some of us get lucky and succeed and some of us don't. I felt that way a year ago when I was feeling left behind myself, and I feel the exact same way now. All we can do is keep rooting each other on and offering that virtual shoulder to cry on when it's needed.

babyareyoucoming
Guest

I will always keep reading Risa! You are a great writer, and you're so honest, which makes you so great! You've also just warned me about nerves in my butt. I gotta make sure DH steer clears of those when we start treatment. xoxo

Rebecca
Guest

I'll keep following you.

Northern Star
Guest

I love this post. So. Much. I get it I get I get it.

Valery
Guest

Here from the round up. Reading and sending hugs. (And suddenly wondering why my first donor cycle didn't fail)

Lisa @ AmateurNester
Guest

I think you probably gained more followers for your honesty than you lost. 🙂

Brianna
Guest

I'm still reading. I'm also a big believer in writing for you. If there's something you want to write about, then write about it. Unless you're actively seeking new followers, I think most that have followed you for any period of time will still care about what's going on with you, even if it's not infertility related.

apluseffort
Guest

Somehow I think you could make even baked beans funny. I think you should keep on writing as long as you get something out of it too!

torthúil
Guest

It's OK to vent. There's nothing wrong with you at all. I wish I could make things easier for you, or that somebody somewhere could. If only it could be that easy. I'm sure it's hard to visualize the future right now, but if the blog still works for you in some way, keep it up. And overshare away! TMI Forever (in the right venue lol). Best of luck on your future cycles and treatments, if that's the way you choose to go. xo

Julie Aguas
Guest

I can totally relate to this post. My first time reading your blog, and I so appreciate your honesty. Keep up the writing. It helps others more than you realize.

Gypsy Mama
Guest

I am still here reading and I hope you keep writing. I know it sucks to feel left behind, I felt that way too before. Even though a lot of us are PAIL now, we still totally get how you're feeling and want to support you.

Jamie
Guest

I can relate very much to your post. There are times I feel left behind by my original online support group by being the only one without a child. But, I know that they still care and think about me. I'm sure your group does, too. It still hurts to be left out by default. But, unlike being the last one picked in gym class, I'm sure your group is cheering for you and hoping you have a child soon.

Rebecca
Guest
I found your post via Stirrup Queen. It absolutely sucks to feel like you are all alone in the IF boat, like all the others have found a way to shore and you're still out there paddling around in a circle. I spent 9 years and 9 months in that boat (a miscarriage, 3 failed adoptions, 5 more miscarriages, 3 of those being from FETs) before finally finding my way to shore (after adding LIT and IVIG to our FETs). You've been through a lot of pain, trauma, and losses in a pretty short time, and yet you're not just… Read more »
JenS
Guest

Vent away! We have all had the same feelings you are having. There is nothing fair about infertility and sometimes the only reasonable thing to do it throw a tantrum. I'll still be here reading (a little late but still here) and cheering you on.

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