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Today I should be holding you.

Today I should be holding you.

I should be holding you while you sleep, watching you as your grandma holds you for the first time.  I should be grimacing in discomfort after your birth.  I should be receiving messages in celebration of you.

Today you should have been here with me.

I know where you are.  I know you are ok, that you are being looked after.  Sometimes when I picture you, I see you being held in the arms of Jesus.  And I know you are in the safest place you could be, but there are days when it’s not good enough.  Because you should be in my arms.  I wanted to be the one to hold you.  There are days when I physically ache for you; when the loss of you seems so great that I can barely stand it.

I didn’t have you long enough to hear your heartbeat, or to feel your kicks, or watch you swell my tummy.  But you were there.  You will always be my firstborn.  July 12th 2013 was a day a piece of my heart went to Heaven with you.

I never saw myself as a mother with a child in Heaven.  I never thought I would find my stomach twisting in knots when I am asked if I have any children.  Adam, I am ashamed to admit that there are many times I tell them “no” because it’s easier that way.  How do I begin to explain your story? How do I explain the fact that you were created with more love than anyone could imagine, and then you were taken so early from me?  How can I bring you up in answer to such an innocent question?  How can I explain to them what your presence meant to me?  You are too special for that.

You, Adam, were so loved.  No one on Earth could have wanted you as much as I did.  Today was the day I should have been able to meet you, hold you, kiss you, stare into your face.  I miss you so much.

Happy Due Date, my sweet baby.

Love,

Mama

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33 Comments on "Today I should be holding you."

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Jennifer T
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I am so sorry you aren't holding your baby. This post describes the feelings so perfectly. Thinking of you! Sending you a big hug!

jAllen
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Oh Risa, I have been thinking about you and Chris today. Sending you a big hug

Aubrey
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Oh Risa- please know I'm thinking of you today. XOXO

wherethebleepisourstork
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Risa – you , Chris, and Adam are ALWAYS on my mind! Hugs are being sent to you!

Erika
Guest

This is beautiful, friend. I am so sorry for your loss. 🙁

Auntie
Guest

Absolutely beautiful and heartfelt…as you are.

Lilee
Guest

Thinking of you today, Risa. I'm so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful tribute to your dear Adam, and what a wonderful mother you are to him.

Cristy
Guest

Wrapping you in love today. And thinking of you all

Amie
Guest

This describes the feelings so perfectly. I am so sorry for your loss 🙁

Ashley Sanderson
Guest

Thank you for writing this beautiful post. Our angel baby's due date is next Saturday, March 29. And I've always wondered how I would feel on that day and your post described it perfectly. I tear up when I think about it. I promise you I will be back reading your post again next Saturday. Praying for you today.

Kristy Taxson
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I am so so sorry! Today must be so hard for you. I cried just reading this post. Prayers for you and your family!

Ann Foster
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This comment has been removed by the author.

Ann Foster
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This comment has been removed by the author.

Ann Foster
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Hi Risa,

I've been thinking about you so much. It is so hard. Sunday is 2 years since we lost Lauren. TWO YEARS. How did time slip by so fast? The hole in my heart is still there, it always will be. It's interesting how we all learn to live with our loss, our grief, our infertility, and how it all becomes our new norm. Thinking about you. xoxo

Melissa Long
Guest

This breaks my heart and makes me tear up. I've been there and nothing takes that pain away. The love a woman feels from that first moment is so deep. *hugs* Happy Due Date, Little Adam.

Kandie Walker
Guest

Thinking about you, your sweet baby, our sweet baby and all the others with Jesus. How sweet the day will be we get to see all their happy faces.

Stasy
Guest

HUGS! Due dates are so hard.

Darla
Guest

Beautifully written, Risa. I love what you said "you are too special for that." I think we all understand those feelings well. It's too hard to share a piece of our heart with others who wouldn't truly understand it. Thinking of you today.

holly
Guest

Hugs for you today. I'm so sorry for your loss

Jenny
Guest

Sending you and your sweet baby much love today. *hugs*

conceptionallychallenged
Guest

I'm so sorry he isn't with you.
Thinking of you and your sweet boy.

Not Pregnant And Pissed!
Guest

Risa, this was heartbreaking to read. I am so sorry you are not holding Adam in your arms. Sending you my love and admiration for your strength.

Jenni Moore
Guest
What a beautiful letter to your son! There is a couple (I went to HS with the husband) who did IVF at the same time we did. They did their transfer a couple of days after us. They also became pregnant. Thankfully, they did not miscarry. She recently posted his cute picture with the "5 month" sticker. Every month and every picture they post, I can't help but think that's how old our baby would be or that's what our baby would be doing now. You are right…the ache is physically painful! Praying for you and Chris and I am… Read more »
inconceivable12
Guest

Thinking of you and Chris…it is so, so hard. What a beautiful letter and tribute. My heart breaks for you both.

Stephanie
Guest

I'm so sorry, Risa! I know how much he is loved! You are a great mamma and you have a sweet little angel looking over you! *HUGS*

Em
Guest

What a painfully beautiful letter, Risa. Thank you for being so vulnerable as to share it with all of us. Wishing you peace.

Emily
Guest

I'm sorry Risa. Thinking of you!

Mrs. Trumbo
Guest

I just stumbled across your blog and wanted to offer my prayers. I am so sorry you have to deal with such a loss and I will be thinking of you as you continue on this TTC journey!!

Jaylee
http://amilitarywifeoffaith.blogspot.com

Amber
Guest

Beautifully written Risa. I'm sorry you've had to go through any of this, infertility, loss… You're always on my heart.

Caroline
Guest

Thinking about you girl xoxo

Dr. Grumbles
Guest

Hello,
I am a psychologist and a blogger (http://docgrumbles.wordpress.com). I am currently conducting a survey of bloggers who post about pregnancy, fertility, adoption, pregnancy loss, and parenting. I would like to extend an invitation for you to complete the brief survey found here:
https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/MLVBHDG
(I am very sorry to leave this in a comment like a spammer!)
Thank you so much!
Dr. Grumbles

Susan
Guest

I’m so sorry. I lost a baby right before my second son was conceived. It was over 16 years ago, but it still stings. I’ve always told myself that I wouldn’t have my son/know my son who is here with me now if … It’s sad, that’s all I know.

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