These past two weeks have been the best and worst weeks of my life. Emotional roller coaster doesn’t even begin to describe the ups and downs that I have been feeling, though it was more like an emotional Mt. Everest ride. I expected the highs, as moving forward with each new step in the process seemed to give us a higher percentage chance. This made everything much more real, but in all honesty, I just never saw that IVF wouldn’t work.
I know how statistics work but with our clinic’s numbers, I was more than hopeful. I was imagining what Risa was going to look like three months pregnant and the fun we would have picking out his room. What weird food combination I would have to conjure at 2 AM to make Adam and her happy and imagining how I would feel the moment I got to hold my son.
Then we hit the peak. Telling family and friends and looking forward to the confirmation the next day and I was literally on cloud nine. I had the biggest smile on my face and heart that I’ve had since our wedding day. Then I got the message from Risa. For the next two days, I cried more than I have ever cried about anything in my life.
I still just don’t know exactly how to describe how I am right now. I go about my day getting my work done, but I’m just sad and tired. I can crack jokes with people and then go back to my desk and tear up. This is how it is for me. When I stay still, my mind triggers my memory to tell me I’m sad and up comes the emotions. Funny how in my first post, I linked a song called “Be Still” by the Fray. Talk about irony when a song that I posted which stirred up so many feelings for me during a time when my friend and his wife were celebrating one of their lost children. Below is a few lines of the lyrics.