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The Post I Never Wanted to Write

Dr. K. said it was a chemical pregnancy.  That’s the scientific, objective way of saying it was an early miscarriage.

So let’s discuss this.

You take an early pregnancy test.  It shows a faint positive.  In my case, I got a positive digital pregnancy test 8 days after transfer.  So you get excited.  You go and buy baby clothes, and surprise your husband and family.  Then the bleeding starts.  You get a decent first beta number, but then the doctor tells you, after your second beta, that the number dropped.  He tells you it was a chemical pregnancy.

A chemical pregnancy.  Not to be confused as a false positive.  Because you were indeed very much pregnant.  But it’s a miscarriage, and the only evidence was comparing beta hCG numbers.  This miscarriage happened before an u/s could show a sac in the uterus.  The main symptom of a chemical pregnancy is bleeding right after a positive pregnancy test.  Then, like I said above, a beta number that starts decreasing, rather than increasing.

When I was reading about this stuff on the Internet, my stomach clenched up when I read that bleeding right after a positive is a main sign of a chemical.  I knew in my heart when I started bleeding and cramping that this was not going to end well.  However, I held out hope that what everyone was telling me was true: this may just be early pregnancy bleeding.  Because that sounds like a much better outcome, right? 

It wasn’t because my body didn’t respond to the meds as it should have.  It wasn’t that there was only one normal fertilized embryo.  Or that I was teased by positive pregnancy sticks.  It wasn’t that I ran out and went crazy like I was going to remain pregnant for the next 9 months.  It wasn’t because of the alarming amount of blood and cramping.  It wasn’t because all that worrying turned to joy at a great first beta number.  It wasn’t even the shitty second beta that sucked.

It was that I had to find out our one little embryo wasn’t going to survive and I was miscarrying on our 5 year wedding anniversary.  I mean, seriously?  Seriously.  Talk about the cosmos giving the world’s biggest finger.

We haven’t even opened our anniversary cards, from each other and my parents.  We just can’t seem to bring ourselves to open them.  We were supposed to grill some steaks and have a relaxing night at home.  Since of course, I was pregnant and all.  Instead, we both left work early.  I came home first, shocked and numb, after crying my eyes out at work after I got off the phone with the doctor.  He came home, held me tearfully while I sobbed into his shoulder.  We went to bed and lied there for two hours.  No matter how close I pressed against him, I couldn’t get close enough.  I wanted to crawl inside his skin, where I didn’t have to see the baby clothes on the table, where there were no pregnancy tests, or progesterone suppositories, and the word “miscarriage” did not exist.

How could this have happened?  He was supposed to be our little fighter.  Our one little miracle, where it didn’t matter that he was the only one.  The FRER I took that morning, showed a nice positive line.  He was supposed to still be there.  How could this have happened?

I started getting texts, Facebook messages, page comments, and blog comments.  People telling us how sorry they were.  How unfair this all is.  How they are praying for our healing.  I read them in disbelief.  How could I be getting congratulating messages and then 48 hours later, messages saying, “I am so sorry for your loss?”

My loss?  No.  No.  I was pregnant.  I was going to have a baby.  I bought a little frog outfit.  I took pictures of positive pregnancy tests.  I told my mom she was going to be a Grandma.  My sisters they were going to be Aunties.  I watched my husband, my soulmate, cry when I told him that he was going to be a Daddy.  No.  There had to be some mistake.

I was bleeding, yes, but it didn’t seem like it was a period.  I had some cramps, but they didn’t feel like usual cramps.  My breasts felt a little fuller.  I had morning headaches.  I had some weird stomach sensitivity.  I was pregnant. 

And now I’m not.

I had someone tell me that it was too early to be celebrating.  That it was a mistake to buy those clothes, to tell my family.  Hearing that made the grief worse.  To know that someone thought I was jumping the gun, that I should be careful because it was too early.

I don’t regret what happened.  I don’t regret buying those clothes, for telling people I was pregnant, for surprising my family.  Because unlike this particular person, I am well aware that nothing in life, especially a positive pregnancy test, is a guarantee.  I am well aware of the fact that, like this person, there are some who assume two pink lines means nine months of pregnancy and a safe delivery of a healthy baby.

I have grieved for friends and family who miscarried at 8 weeks, at 12 weeks, at 22 weeks.  Whose babies were born sleeping.  Whose babies were born and lived for just a few hours.  It doesn’t matter that I miscarried at 4 weeks.  It was still a miscarriage.  It wouldn’t matter if I went another few weeks and ended up with the same results.  It still hurts.  It’s still my baby.  So I don’t regret anything.  It wasn’t too early.  It’s never too early to be overjoyed at a pregnancy.

What is hard, however, is now having to go back and tell everyone that I am no longer pregnant.  I understand people’s need to wait until the first trimester is over to share the news.  I also understand my reproductive life is under constant public viewing.  And I don’t regret that.  But talking about it, about my baby, about this loss, is not something I can do.  Blogging has always been very therapeutic for me.  Writing this post, thought not something I wanted to write in the first place, helps get my emotions out.  Many don’t talk about their miscarriages.  I know why.  It’s painful.  It hurts in ways one could never imagine.  To those who are close to me, know that I love you, but know that I may not be able to talk about it.  I know this blog is here for my grief, and this is the place where you can go to see how I’m doing.  But I just can’t talk about it.

Thank you for the comfort you guys have shown us.  For being there.  For telling me your own stories of heartache and loss.  Know that I grieve your losses too.  

Yesterday, I wrote a letter to my little one.  But I just feel like I need to do something else to keep my baby alive in my heart.  I don’t know what.  But I want to honor him/her.  Baby loss Mamas, and anyone else with creativity, do you have any ideas?  

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81 Comments on "The Post I Never Wanted to Write"

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Aspgriswold
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Aw Hun! My heart goes out to you. I had two chemical pregnancies and agree with every one of your words. I grieved for those babies like anyone would after losing them. Sending many thoughts your way.

Kimberly
Guest
I went through a miscarriage last spring and it sucks, for lack of a better word – some people say things they think will help because they don't know what to say, and it hurts. I am a firm believer that a baby is a baby regardless of what "medicine" classifies him or her as based on gestational age. I had hopes, dreams, and love for that child from the moment we decided to try for a baby…and you are absolutely right it is NEVER to early to celebrate something so wonderful, and it's never too early to grieve. I… Read more »
Amanda
Guest
I hated the term chemical pregnancy. I don't discount the immense amount of pain that a miscarriage would bring after an ultrasound… I'll even agree that it would probably hurt more/take longer to get over, etc the longer the pregnancy goes on, but the term chemical pregnancy makes it seem like it wasn't real, like it's pregnancy in numbers only. But the truth is that there was a living, growing, baby inside of you and you loved him from the moment you knew of his existence, and now he's gone. AND IT SUCKS! I'm so sorry Risa, it's a terrible… Read more »
Annie
Guest
I got tears in my eyes reading this. Can I just say thank you for writing it? I keep feeling guilt for mourning my early loss. I hate the term "chemical pregnancy," because it sounds like it wasn't a real pregnancy. Like I was pregnant with a chemical, not a life. But it was a life. My husband and I made a life. You and your husband made a life. We lost that life, but no one can ever say we didn't make or that we didn't have it for those few precious moments. Don't ever regret buying those clothes.… Read more »
Infertile625
Guest

I feel the same way. I was pregnant long enough to write one journal entry to my baby and one good-bye entry. I think I am going to buy another lilac bush and plant the letter under the tree roots. This was the greatest and the worst thing I went through. I was pregnant. I WAS pregnant and it was bliss. I am so sorry Risa. I get it but no two situations are the same. Losses are all different. I am so sorry.

Anonymous
Guest
My due date would be in 6 days… I miss my baby everyday, It hurts to see other women pregnant and so happy. And how easy it seems for a lot of those women to be pregnant and have a healthy baby. Im jealous, ill always be jealous and envious. There bad words but they are what I am even 6 months later. My husband was always convinced we were having a boy and his name was Colt. He named him Colt the day I told him we were finally expecting. We keep his ultrasound up. He was our baby… Read more »
Cristy
Guest
To answer your question: there are many options. Some write it out, creating poetry or writing about how this is impacting them. Some create a scrapbook with those first photos. Some plant trees or build gardens (MissC did this and include others to be honored with her angels). Others put together playlists or compose songs. For me, it was jewelry. After my second miscarriage I had a locket that I wore daily. Prior to this last cycle Grey bought me a pendant to honor all our embryos and I still wear it daily. Do what speaks to you and Chris.… Read more »
Aramis
Guest

I've never been pregnant or had a loss, but I've read some wonderful things that other baby loss moms have done to commemorate their little ones. Things like a small memory book, with some pics of your embryo and your BFP and something you bought them. Or a painting that you could do yourself, and keep in a special place in your house. Or planting a tree. I'm so sorry and wish this wasn't happening to you.

Kasey Attianese
Guest
Risa- you should never have had to write this post either. Please know that there are no words to ease the pain of your loss but I will continue to pray for peace and comfort to embrace you. My heart aches for you both and your families as well. I have never suffered a loss but I like the idea of a tree or bush- something that will blossom this time of year. A beautiful tribute and memory to blasty. I'm sure there really isn't anything we can do other than pray and hold you in our thoughts, but I… Read more »
Impatiently Waiting
Guest

All I can say is I love you and I am here for you. Always.

Team Harries
Guest

Thinking of you!!

KelBel
Guest

I am so very sorry. Like Cristy, I have honored the babies I have lost with jewelry. I wear a chain with 4 Pand.ora charms on it. I like being able to have something to touch when I am thinking of the babies I lost. *hugs*

lamentingthelentil
Guest

You're absolutely right. It doesn't matter that you were only 4 weeks. You should have been celebrating. I had my miscarriage at 5 weeks, and we hadn't told anyone. I regretted that so much. Because then it didn't feel as real. And because I still needed people to know what I was going through, so I had to say to my parents, "I was pregnant but then I miscarried and now I need you." I think you made a good choice. But, friend, I am so so sorry that you're going through this. It's awful.

Sarah at Midwest Pillowtalk
Guest

if you will be in your house for quite some time, you may plant a tree. or release a balloon into the sky at your favorite spot with dear hubby.
im so sorry darling. i hope your angel babe visits you again with another bfp in the future.

Autumn Jones
Guest
I think that was the most devastating thing for me. I held on to my pee sticks, because I had nothing else to remember them by. I plan to get a tattoo in remembrance for each and everyone of them. I wanted something permanent that I could always have, I guess because I felt like it wasn't fair that my happiness and my baby wasn't permanent. I felt like a piece of me had been stolen, so I wanted something that couldn't be taken from me. I also felt horrible, because the first and second time, I told all the… Read more »
belovedburnttoast
Guest
Miscarriage is miscarriage, no matter how early. Screw the term "chemical pregnancy." You were pregnant and excited and justifiably so. I'm glad that you celebrated it, because it was worthy of celebration, and you absolutely deserved to feel that indescribable happiness. When we miscarried the twins my sister bought me a pretty decorative plaque with a heart on it, and I put it on a bookshelf in the living room so I could see it every day. It kind of makes me feel better to keep that physical representation around so I know I'll never skip a day of remembering… Read more »
jAllen
Guest
I love that fact that you celebrated right away, I think too few of us do. We want the dream of our fertile friends, one day noticed a late period, POAS, see two lines and go on to have a normal pregnancy and healthy baby. What does IF have to alter this from us too? I buried my products, in my line of work I deal with them a lot, so I had to do something different with my own and I'll visit the spot on my would be due date. I second the idea of planting something, if you… Read more »
Hillary
Guest

I've lost babies at 4 weeks (chemical pregnancy), 9 weeks (miscarriage),and 21 weeks (stillbirth). I'm here to tell you that each one of those babies I've grieved fiercely. I love them every bit as much as my children that are here with me alive today. You go right ahead and celebrate your baby! Be glad that you got to make those announcements! Your baby deserves as much love and recognition as you can give him or her :).

xoxox

A Few Good Eggs
Guest
I had two IVF chemical pregnancies (both at 6 weeks) and I know how heartbreaking this is for you. The things I've learned is that it is your body, only you have the right to feel how you feel. You want to celebrate after seeing the two lines? Go ahead. You've earned that right. You want to grieve for your loss? No one should stop you for doing that. A loss is a loss, be it a chemical pregnancy at 6 weeks or a miscarriage at 10 weeks. And if anybody says otherwise, well, screw them. That said, I'm sending… Read more »
Megs
Guest

We lose so much from this infertility experience, and I think it's great that you celebrated your pregnancy. We shouldn't have to give up the joy of experiencing a positive pregnancy test.

For my loss, like others, I got a piece of jewelry – a ring of interlocking forget-me-not flowers that I wear every day. I feel like it will be my bean's way of giving me courage and luck for the next cycle. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Anne
Guest

How anyone can presume to tell you how you should or should not act regarding your own body..

I agree that we celebrate too little. Telling people is hard, but not telling them, not getting to celebrate, and then being alone in your pain? I think that would be worse, at least for me.

Risa
Guest

Thanks, dear. And I'm sorry about yours as well. Maybe our babies are playing together right now?

Risa
Guest

Kimberly, thank you so much for this. I like the idea of a gender neutral name. I started trying to think of one tonight and it made me sad. It's a powerful thing, giving a name to my baby. I am going to let it just come to me, if it does. Otherwise, I may just call him "Little One." And I love the idea of a ring with his/her due date month. I told that to my husband and I started tearing up. Thanks for those great ideas. <3

Risa
Guest

Thanks, Amanda. I'm so glad you guys agree, that my baby was really there, even if it was just determined by numbers.

Risa
Guest

Oh Annie, I'm sorry you had to go through this too. And you're right, it sounds like you were pregnant with a chemical and not a baby. I appreciate your comment so much.

Risa
Guest

What a beautiful thing to do. I definitely think planting that letter is a wonderful tribute. It reminds me of a burial and I feel like that would bring some closure to it. I'm sorry about your little baby, too. Hugs.

Risa
Guest

I will be thinking about you this week. You're right. As much as I try to be happy for others, I still see the jealously slip out. I love the idea of giving a name to my baby. And I think the idea of jewelry is something you could keep close to you every day. Take care.

Risa
Guest

I like the idea of planting a tree. And the jewelry. That's so sweet of your husband to get something for you. I think that has to mean so much to you. And thanks for your encouragement. It makes me feel better that so many others would be celebrating too. <3

Risa
Guest

I thought of maybe doing like a shadow box thing, where it was a scrapbook, but I could put some other things in there to hang on the way. Thanks for the ideas, dear.

Risa
Guest

Thanks so much Kasey. I just love this community so much and you guys just are an amazing source of support for me.

Risa
Guest

<3 I want to come visit you.. and give you a big hug. Thanks for your support.

Risa
Guest

Thank you 🙂

Risa
Guest

Oh that's so sweet. Yes, that sounds like a beautiful way to remember your babies. Hugs to you too.

Risa
Guest

Oh friend, yes, I agree, it would be very difficult going to my parents with that. I guess it's a painful situation no matter who or how many you tell. I was thinking about what you said in here, how not telling didn't make it as real. I can see that. Very much so. As awkward as it is going to be, with everyone knowing, I can hold on to the fact that I DID get my chance to surprise my family. It definitely feels "real" as painful as it is.

Risa
Guest

Thanks, Sarah. Planting a tree is definitely is good idea, especially since we will be living on our home for years to come. And thank you for your sweet words.

Risa
Guest

Autumn a tattoo is a great idea. I thought of that too, and then got even more depressed because I feel like the fertility clinic would frown on that if I kept moving forward with treatments. I don't know how that works. Because I have seriously considered it. Thinking of you too, along with your little babies…

Risa
Guest

I know, it is heartbreaking we both have to be going through this. That plaque sounds beautiful.

Risa
Guest

This made me cry. You would do that in my baby's memory? I am speechless. I would be honored. Thank you so much, love.

Risa
Guest

Hillary, first of all, my heart breaks for you going through all that. I wish I could hug you. Thanks so much for your words. I hope my baby is looking down right now, seeing these beautiful comments about him/her's memory.

Risa
Guest

Thank you dear, and I am sorry for your losses as well.

Risa
Guest

Oh I like that idea for a necklace. That sounds so pretty. And you have a good point. We lose so much having to go through this, that we should still get to be joyful when we get our BFP. I honestly don't know how this next time around will go. I hope I get to be just as excited, but I know it's not going to be the same.

Risa
Guest

Anne, yes, I wholeheartedly agree. I think after reading these comments, to keep it a secret would be so much worse.

Not Pregnant And Pissed!
Guest
I have never had a pregnancy to lose…however, I feel like I can sympathize with how you feel like other people belittle your loss. Maybe if it hadn't taken so long to finally get pregnant, maybe if you hadn't spent X amount of time obsessing on how and when you were going to get pregnant, maybe if you hadn't had all the Dr. appointments and had to pour over OPK results, maybe if you hadn't had to take all the drugs and had to get all the blood work, ultrasounds and whatever other hell you have had to put your… Read more »
Impatiently Waiting
Guest

You are welcome here ANYTIME!!! Seriously.

Stacie
Guest

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I just…well, I just get so mad at the universe at times like this. It is all so unfair!

I'm sending you light and strength during this very dark time. Hugs

simplyme
Guest
I truly want to say thank you, Risa, for your honesty, for baring your soul, for loving that life inside you with great fervor, and for celebrating because you and your husband were blessed with this pregnancy. And I want to thank all those that posted above with such supportive and thoughtful words. Though there are people that may say unkind or insensitive things, there are so many others who will lift you up, encourage you, hold you while you cry, listen without judgment, celebrate with you when you feel like celebrating, and love you through this. God bless you,… Read more »
Aubrey
Guest

There are just no words. Know that I'm thinking of you though. xoxo

Ann Foster
Guest
Hi Friend. My heart just hurts for you. When we lost Lauren, we planted a rose bush in her memory. After we lost the twins, I had a bracelet made that says "I will always carry you in my heart". Here's a picture of it http://markandannfoster.blogspot.com/2012/10/bracelet.html It honestly has taken me over a year and I'm still not "over" my loss. Here's a few things I've learned along the way… 1.) It is NEVER to early to celebrate. 2.) That was YOUR baby. A part of you, a part of Chris. 3.) Take joy in your baby and celebrate the… Read more »
Egg Timer
Guest
I went through a miscarriage and in many ways my experience mimicked yours. Except we didn't tell. It meant that no one understood why we were always looking sad. OR why we skipped family gatherings for a while. And the story eventually came out. Once in anger at my in-laws who were criticizing me for not being pregnant yet, other times in tears. It was better that your family experienced your joy, and that they celebrated the time that Blasty was here. And that they are able to help you heal. A loss is a loss. I feel the loss… Read more »
Megan
Guest

My heart breaks for you, I am so so sorry.

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