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Stay

I heard a familiar song today.  You wouldn’t know it because you would be too little, but it’s by a singer, Rihanna.  It’s called, “Stay.”

My precious baby, I wanted you to stay.  My heart hurts.  I wanted so badly to meet you.  You were here.  And then you just… weren’t.

What would you have become?  A little girl, who loves to read and garden as much as me?  A little boy who climbs trees and plays in the dirt?  Would you have been tall, like Daddy?  Would you grow up to be a teacher?  A doctor?  I wanted so badly to meet you.

I wrote you your first letter before you were even conceived.  I told you then, and I am telling you again, I would do anything for you.  I knew when you started to leave my body.  I convinced myself that you were ok, that you were still there.  But I think Jesus wanted you more.  And my sweet baby, I selfishly didn’t want to give you up.  Because you gave me hope.  You made me believe in miracles.  The day I found evidence that you were really there and growing, was the happiest day of my life.  I knew I loved you before you were even here, but I never thought my heart could hold so much love as the day you became mine. 

I was so excited for you that I went out and bought some clothes for you.  You would have looked so cute.  My dear one, I wish so badly that you could have worn those clothes.  I haven’t decided if I want to put those clothes away, along with your first baby picture, or if I want to save them for your little brother or sister to wear.  Regardless, your sibling will know where those clothes came from.  Whether you have one little sibling, or four, you will always be my first child.  My BFP.  My first love, besides for your daddy.

My little one, I don’t know why you left.  My Internet resources say you may have had “chromosomal abnormalities.”  But to me, you were perfect.  You didn’t have a heartbeat yet, but you were still my child.  I tried so hard to keep you warm and safe.  But I know Jesus can do it better.  He took you for reasons I have yet to understand.  But He can keep you warm and safe forever.  I know I will get to meet you someday in Heaven and I can’t wait.  But oh my little darling, I wanted so much for you to stay.

I miss you so much already.  My heart breaks when I think of you.  I wanted more than anything to hold you in my arms.  To kiss you.  To watch you grow up.  But I am thankful for the time I had with you.  Thank you, sweet baby, for giving me the honor of being your Mommy for 12 days.

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Aubrey
Guest

:(. Sending you a big, big hug. xoxo

Stephanie
Guest

Oh, Risa! 🙁 Beautiful post! You are such a wonderful mommy!

Impatiently Waiting
Guest

Risa…. you are amazing.

Kasey Attianese
Guest

Risa this is beautiful. My heart just aches for you both!

Cristy
Guest

This is beautiful. How I wish you for an alternative universe where all you wanted instead was true. Sending oceans of love and grieving with you.

jAllen
Guest

Tears are running down my cheeks, I feel the same way about my own miscarriage, what ever the future holds, that will always by first

Infertile625
Guest

Oh Risa. So honest. So beautiful. I am so sorry this happened.

Not Pregnant And Pissed!
Guest

My heart is just breaking for you. Take care sweetie. Xoxo

Sarah at Midwest Pillowtalk
Guest

you are super woman. and so beautiful.
thinking of you dear.
xxo

Sarah J
Guest

I am so sorry for your loss. I had hoped so hard for you. What a sweet post to your baby. Hugs to you.

Suzanne
Guest

What a difficult post for me to read. It is so beautiful and my heart just hurts for you. Hug.

Aramis
Guest

Thinking about you guys lots right now. Sending love.

Stasy
Guest

This is such a beautiful post and my heart aches so much for you. HUGS!

Jenni Moore
Guest

I agree you are amazing and a wonderful Mom. This is so beautifully written.

juststoptryinganditwillhappen.com
Guest

I am so sorry… I wish there was more to say, but nothing is enough. Your baby was real, a part of you, and will always be… Just know that you are being thought of and prayed for tonight.

Court
Guest

Sending big hugs, Risa!

chrissy griffin
Guest

Praying for you. I can't imagine how you feel, but I think you did a wonderrful job with writing this!

belovedburnttoast
Guest

Oh God, I am so sorry. That song always gets to me too, for the exact same reason. I wanted them (all four of them) to stay so damn bad. Three stayed for a short while. Then you're right, Jesus decided that He needed them more. My heart is breaking for you. I really wish there was something I could say to comfort you, but I know it's impossible. Just know that you're not alone, not even a little bit. I hope my girls and your sweet little one find each other up there and keep each other company until… Read more »

Cory and Katie
Guest

I found that writing to our little ones was really helpful 🙁 I'm praying that God wraps His pressure arms around you and your family and know that we are all praying for you!

Ann Foster
Guest

Oh Risa, I'm so so sorry you are going through this. This is NOT FAIR. I wish I could take away your pain, give you some profound advice. Take care of yourself and allow yourself enough time to grieve. Nothing, not even time, will make this ok. But one day it will hurt a little less and become, at best, tolerable. You are in my prayers. xo

K
Guest

Thinking of you…and your sweet little one…

Em
Guest

Being his/her mommy for 12 days…and forever after that. You are a mama now and always, always will be. You are on my mind so often…abiding with you in this…

Alexicographer
Guest
Alexicographer

Risa, I'm so sorry. I just saw this post. My heart aches for you and your husband and little one.

Emily
Guest

Thinking of you and wishing you healing, whatever that may mean right now. xo

Just T
Guest

This was heartbreaking and absolutely beautiful at the same time. We are all hear for you as you heal and move forward.

Laura
Guest

Thinking of and praying for you.

Jennifer Juniper
Guest

That song is beautiful. Your post was heart breaking.

Kandie Walker
Guest

I am in tears. This brings back so many emotions for me. You are a MOM and a wonderful one! A song that helped me is "Glory Baby" by Watermark. I still listen to it sometimes and bawl. Sending love and prayers for you!

A Place to be Me
Guest

Aw Risa, my heart just breaks for you…I'm so sorry. Don't let anyone tell you that no heartbeat yet means it's not a loss. I had an early loss and I definitely grieved. No matter how short a time your baby was with you, you loved him or her and you'll always remember. Prayers and love sent your way.

Mrs. Lost
Guest

My heart is hurting for you guys. I am so sorry for your loss and will be praying for you.

Egg Timer
Guest

I am so sorry for your loss.

starjumper
Guest

my heart breaks for you, i recognize so many of the things you have been saying for the last few days. it's not fair, and i know very well that there's nothing to say besides, I'm so very very sorry for your loss.

Rebecca
Guest

So very sorry for your loss.

Amber
Guest

Beautifully written Risa. Hugs.