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How We Cope When It’s All Over

I realized tonight that I couldn’t keep up with replying back to your comments on my last post.  I am overwhelmed at the amount of support from you guys.  Your own stories of loss and how you coped  broke my heart and gave me hope at the same time.  This one by my dear friend, Ann @ A Day in the Life of the Foster’s, summed up a lot of ideas:

It honestly has taken me over a year and I’m still not “over” my loss. Here’s a few things I’ve learned along the way…

1.) It is NEVER to early to celebrate.

2.) That was YOUR baby. A part of you, a part of Chris.

3.) Take joy in your baby and celebrate the days you had with him.

4.) Give him a name

5.) Do something to memorialize him. Something in his memory. Aside from the rose bush and bracelet, we let go of balloons on Lauren’s due date and on the twin’s due date.

6.) Allow yourself time to grieve. Cry the ugly cry as many time as YOU need to. Be angry. Scream. Shout. Kick…or don’t. But DO what helps you cope. I took to running for several months and that was therapeutic for me.

7.) Eventually, in your time, talk about it. Talking about it and blogging about it took me a LONG time to do. I was in so much pain that I couldn’t express what I was feeling. I was depressed, angry, sad, in complete and utter agony. But I saw a counselor and once I started to talk about it and truly allow the flood gates to open, I began to heal. The first 4 or 5 sessions I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed to my counselor, but eventually I was able to talk about it, and for me, that’s when the true healing began. There are a lot of wonderful counselors out there who specialize in infertility and miscarriage. For me it helped.

8.) Just know that we are all rallying around you and wish we could take your pain away. You are now unwillingly a part of a sisterhood of women who can relate to your pain. But know, that your pain is like no one else’s pain because it’s your pain. It’s your baby.

9.) and lastly, someone gave me the greatest advice once that I want to pass on to you: “God didn’t allow this to happen, but He is here for you BECAUSE it happened.”

I had many ideas given to me about how to remember my baby.  Do you want to know the most difficult, but emotionally crucial one that I knew I had to do?

Naming him.  

It was one thing calling him Embie, Little Blasty.  It was another thing entirely to give him a baby name.  Because that meant he was my child.  A tiny little human being.  And he was no longer here.

I’ve cried a lot since last Friday.  I cried again when I knew I was going to give him a name.  I know that he may very well in fact be a she, but to me, he was a boy.  And after spending a few days thinking of his name, I realized God had planted his name inside my heart the day I got my BFP. 

His name was Adam.  My baby’s name was Adam.  

I’ve decided I am going to make a shadow box for him, which will hang in our bedroom.  I also want to find a necklace, so I can carry his memory with him where ever I go. 

It’s been a rough week.  Ever since last Friday, the night we found out, I haven’t been sleeping.  For some reason my body has been insisting on waking between midnight and 2:00 to pee, and then waking again around 4:00 to lie awake until my alarm.  It’s not like I have been having an increase of liquids before bed.  It’s just apparently how my body wants to grieve.  So I have been exhausted.  The first part of this week brought especially difficult mornings, where the overwhelming sadness would last for hours.  It got a little easier once I named him and decided what I wanted to do for him.  But I am just so sad.  So very, very sad.  I want my baby back.  I still haven’t been able to bring myself to open my anniversary cards.



I will bounce back.  I will be ok.  I need this time to grieve, and then I will be back to my regular vagina-laden posts.  Apparently, my posts can be quite funny.

I found a small group at a church my husband and I have been attending, EBC.  It’s a group for couples experiencing infertility.  It meets twice a month and one is just for the women.  I can’t wait.  I don’t know many women in real life experiencing this and so this will be a good thing for me.  For my husband.  Yes, I think it will.

Doing something is helping with the grief.  I think this weekend will be a good time to put together Adam’s shadow box.  It’s going to be beautiful, guys.  I can’t wait to show it to you.

 

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Cristy
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Ann's comment is filled with wisdom. All of it is amazingly insightful and true. Adam is a beautiful name. I'm so glad you decided to name your angel. I'm also glad to hear you have found a way to honor his memory. If/when you're ready, I'd love to see both the shadow box and the necklace. And as Ann said so well, remember we are here to support you. That in those moments when you feel alone in your grief, all you need to do is let is know and we will be here to support you. Sending love and… Read more »

Impatiently Waiting
Guest

I love this post, Risa. I am so glad you named him. As always, thinking of you!

Aubrey
Guest

Oh Reese, I'm still just so sorry… I'm glad that you're hanging in there as best you can. Your shadow box and necklace ideas are simply perfect. Thinking of you lots! xoxo

Infertile625
Guest

You are brave and strong. I love this post. There are lots of beautiful handmade customizable necklaces on etsy.com

Amanda
Guest

Ann is so right… for a while, you just have to do what you need to do to survive… just get through one hour, one day, one week. It will get easier. Eventually there were days when I didn't think about it, when I was more focused on the future than the past… but out of nowhere, the pain would surface and I find myself sobbing. You almost forget that the pain is there eventually, or at least I did, so it always shocked me to feel it… to ugly cry because I thought of my baby. Essentially, the days… Read more »

Anne
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Have you seen the bird's nest necklaces on etsy? I've seen several and when you said "necklace" it's the first thing I thought of. I really love them, especially the ones with a mama bird sort of protecting the egg.

Adam is a beautiful name. One of my favorites. I'll think of him, today, and hope you can both be at peace.

Egg Timer
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Adam is a wonderful name for your son. And you have chosen some fantastic tributes to remember him. Looking forward to seeing it.

Suzanne
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What amazing advise Ann gave you. I'm thinking of you and I can't wait to see Adam's shadow box. What a wonderful reminder of him to always keep him close.

A Place to be Me
Guest

Perfect, that list is so perfect. Sweet Adam…I can't wait to see the shadow box, what a lovely tribute.

Laura
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I can't wait to see Adam's shadowbox. I love your ideas…and what wonderful advice from Ann!

jAllen
Guest

Adam is a lovely name 🙂 I emailed myself copies of my pee sticks and my digital tests and I have an email folder marked 'Garden' (to be discreet) which mostly contains my messages with my RE's office, but every now and then I'll pull up the photos and recall how happy I was on that day. I'll send you picture of my herb plant soon

Rebecca
Guest

Naming them always helps me with the healing. I've named all of mine too.

Ann Foster
Guest

I remember with our first miscarriage I couldn't sleep either. I would lay awake too exhausted to cry, but too numb to sleep. Music also helped me a lot. This song gave me hope that I knew I would be ok…in time. It gave me hope for the future even in my darkest of days.

love you my friend.

Mariah Carey, Right to Dream http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNrxL6dlWCM

Team Harries
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What sweet advice! So many people lifting you up and thinking about you!

MrsDjRass
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I wish I could be like you. Keep up the good work.

infertilechemist
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Thanks for sharing that! My mom sent me a bamboo plant on the due date for our baby, which was very sweet. I wish I could say that the plant was thriving now… I like the balloons idea. Unlike the plant, it doesn't come with a daily reminder of my black thumb… 😉

Risa
Guest

I haven't but I still need to check out the site. I will keep that necklace in mind. I like the idea of the mama bird. And thanks, Anne. That means a lot.

Risa
Guest

Cristy, thank you. <3

Risa
Guest

I can't wait to see that little herb plant. <3

Risa
Guest

Love this.

Em
Guest

I've heard GREAT things about that group. I'll be so interested to hear what you think of it.

So sad we never got to meet Adam.

inconceivable12
Guest

Thank you for sharing with all of us. Adam is a wonderful name, and I'm glad that you are finding ways to remember him. It's like Ann said in her wise comment: that was YOUR baby. My heart goes out to you and Chris. It is so hard.

Aramis
Guest

Adam is a wonderful name. Thinking of you guys.

Jenni Moore
Guest

Ann, Your words are beautiful as always! Your words are encouraging to me as I am still trying to find my way out of the grief our miscarriages have brought. I'm sure Risa found them encouraging as well. I wish we could be part of a happy, non-heartbreaking sisterhood, but if I have to be part of this one, I'm glad I have found you through it. Risa,I got my necklace from http://cathyscreationsjewelry.com/. They have a miscarriage necklace but I wanted something personal. I contacted them personally and one of the jewelers and I were able to come up with… Read more »

Amber
Guest

I especially like #9 from Anna. All good advice, but that quote resognates with me. I hope that you and Chris are healing from your grief. It will always be there on some level, but it sounds like you are taking huge strides toward finding what works for you. Adam is a wonderful name.