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How to Find Out You’re Pregnant- The Infertile Way

This week has given me heartburn.  There have been so many ups and downs and I never thought I would be experiencing this.  By the way, dp3dt is short for days past 3-day transfer.

Monday 8dp3dt

After some urging from my lovelies in my FB group, I went out and bought two boxes of FRERs (First Response Early Result tests) and a two-pack of Clear Blue digital. I felt like I was sneaking porn or something. A digital pregnancy test?? You rascally beast, you!  I kept the thought in the back of my mind that it may still be too early for a digital.  I brought them up to the counter at Target and kept having to reassure the cashier that yes, these were all for me. 

I got home, peed on a FRER at 11:45, and walked out of the bathroom. I’ve never seen a second line on these. Ever. Not even close. I walked in and saw this:

I freaked.  I teared up.  A sob escaped my throat.  I walked around the house for ten minutes, crying and holding my pee stick.  I put it up on my FB group and smiled and giggled to myself watching the comments roll in. 

I had this overwhelming urge to drive off to Carter’s and buy baby clothes.  I told myself, if the digital was positive, I could go.  So I tried it, talking to myself while I was waiting that it’s still early.  It doesn’t mean anything if it’s negative. 

And then, this happened.

And then everything was right with the world.

The feeling was indescribable. I will never forget that moment.  Ever.

So after falling on my face in a series of, “Thank you, God!” I drove to Carter’s to find some baby clothes to surprise Chris and my family with. 

Want to know a secret?  I didn’t belong there.  Walking amongst all those baby clothes, the pregnant women.. I didn’t belong.  I timidly walked around the racks of clothes, picking up teeny baby onesies, feeling like any minute, someone was going to call me out.  “Get out of our store, infertile! You’re just kidding yourself!”



I finally found a little onesie for Daddy, an Auntie one and a Grandma one, that actually was part of a frog outfit.  Dies of cuteness. 

Do you realize how many non-gender neutral clothes there are?  I couldn’t even get a Grandpa one, because they were either very girl, or very boy.  I brought my clothes up to the counter and started talking to the girl at the counter, telling her about our four years and IVF.  She got tears, I got tears.  “Well you will have to come back when you know if it’s a boy or a girl!” she tells me.  I smile, walk out and immediately feel disheartened.  Maybe I was getting ahead of myself.  How could I buy baby clothes when I haven’t even done my beta?

I cheered up when I got home, put the onesie for Chris in a Target bag, and when he got home from work, I followed him to the bedroom while he changed.  “Oh here,” I handed him the bag, “I got you something.”  He opened it and saw the little onesie.  “Aww,” he says, smiling.  I grabbed the pregnancy test and showed him, “Well I think it’s pretty obvious you’re going to be a daddy.” 

The look on his face was priceless.

We then went to my parents’ house after getting together little gift bags, one with the Auntie onesie, one with the Grandma onesie, and a bag of Cheez-Its.  If you remember from this post, my dad has always called me Cheezy.  He would joke around about calling our future baby Cheez-ette.  So I thought I was pure genius for coming up with that.

We drove over there after texting my sister that we were in the area and could stop by to bring something over. We got there and my mom, dad and sister were all in the dining room.  After some small talk, I passed out the gift bags. “Just a silly little present to say thank you for your support, no matter what comes of this cycle.”  My dad opened his first and was confused, which is exactly what I was going for.  My sister and mom then opened theirs. 

“Awww!” they both said.  I smiled and pulled out the digital test.  “Mom,” I held out the test, “Is this clear enough for you?”  I watched her eyes widen. 

“What?!” she says, shocked, “Wait, what??” I smiled, we both teared up, shrieked and it was hugs all around.  I don’t know when I have ever been that happy. 

Later that night, the slightly pinkish spotting I was having was starting to get pinker.  I tried to brush it off, thinking it may have been implantation bleeding, although I thought Blasty was supposed to already be attached.  I asked my FB group and everyone was saying it was normal.  The spotting turned bright red, and I was trying to focus on the fact that my group was telling me this can be normal.  It slowed and eventually went away, but that high I was on… started deflating.  Was I celebrating too early?

Tuesday 9dp3dt

I started spotting again that morning.  But I took a pregnancy test and I was still seeing a line.  I ended up calling the clinic and the nurse said it was too early to tell if the bleeding was good or bad, and that I would come in for my beta Thursday and to try not to worry about it.

Later in the afternoon, as I watched in dismay the pool of bright red blood on my pad and in the toilet, I swallowed back this feeling of doom.  I called the clinic again and the nurse told me to come in Wednesday and Friday instead for betas.  Which I was relieved for, but also wondering if this was a bad thing, to come in before your scheduled time.  I got home from work, and immediately took another digital test.  How could I be losing my baby when I was still getting my BFPs?

So I layed down on the cough the rest of the night.  When the cramps started, and the bright red blood started getting heavier, with clots, I was in tears.  How could God bring us this far, and then take my baby away?  I kept getting reassurance from my group, even stories of heavy bleeding with cramps and how everything was ok.  But the internet was telling me that it could be nothing, or it could be a miscarriage.  I hadn’t even told my littlest sister who lives in Louisiana, because how could I happily Skype with her and show her the Auntie onesie, when I was thinking this was all ending?

And I get it.  I’ve never been pregnant before.  Maybe it was nothing.  But it was by far, the worst 24 hours of my life.  Funny how it was always “Little Blasty,” until I was threatened with losing him.  He became “baby,” as in “Please God don’t take my baby away.”

Wednesday 10dp3dt

I woke up, still bleeding.  Like a period.  But not.  Even now, I can’t describe it and I should have thought that that was a good thing.  Still bleeding.  But still pregnant.

I went to my beta at 9:30 and when it was done, I rode the elevator down to my car, telling myself and God that I was done worrying.  It wasn’t in my hands anyway.

I tried to stay busy at work, but as the afternoon grew closer, I got more and more anxious.  Finally I got the call… while I was on the phone with a patient.  Afterward, I listened to the message, and my heart jumped in my throat when I realized it was Dr. K.  Why was he calling?  The nurses always call!  Something is wrong!

“I’m calling with good news,” I hear, “The beta came back positive today. It was 63 so that is an absolute positive.”  He said the spotting is probably from the progesterone, and not to worry about it.  They will do another beta Friday and if that number looks good, I will get to schedule my first OB appointment in 2-3 weeks.  “Congratulations,” he ended.

I cried.  In my office.  A lot.  There have not been too many times when I have literally felt the weight lift off my chest.  I called Chris in tears.  “We’re still having a baby,” I choked out.

We made the rest of the calls that night.  I’m pregnant.  I am really pregnant.  Chris and I sat there Monday evening, with tears streaming as I held the digital pregnancy test, with the most beautiful word I have ever seen, telling him that I never thought I was ever going to see that word. 

I sit here now, teary-eyed as I relay the week’s events.  I am really, truly, pregnant.  I have the voicemail and pee sticks to prove it.  Lots of pee sticks.  I think I am going to save them.  Like a creepy little scrapbook.

And now I leave you, with an ironic pregnant women picture.  We have started getting some early baby cucumbers, so I found a Taste of Home refrigerator pickle recipe:

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31 Comments on "How to Find Out You’re Pregnant- The Infertile Way"

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Sarah Stadler
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Risa! Congrats! You are so brave and awesome for all you have gone through! I am SO SO happy for you! and I think you should have been a writer! You rock at this blog thing!

Sarah

Aislinn
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I'm sorry that you've had to go through that emotional roller coaster this week, but I'm so happy that it had a happy ending. I can't wait to follow you through your pregnancy and eventually motherhood 😀

Autumn Jones
Guest

Congrats! I am so happy for you! I know how hard the journey can be and all the ups and downs- there's never anything quite as emotional!!!

Aramis
Guest

What a crazy week! Keep us updated on your second beta tomorrow, I'll be stalking here all day!

Kasey Attianese
Guest

Ugh will the emotional roller coaster ever end? So very happy for you! Praying for your baby and family and that the good news continues to pour in!

Aubrey
Guest

Oh my goodness.,. What a week! So happy you got your good news though and can now enjoy it!! xo

Emily
Guest

Oh my gosh, so scary…but so wonderful! Good thoughts for beta #2!!!

Mrs. Lost
Guest

This post made me so happy, then nervous and then happy again. Congratulations!!

Amanda Buck
Guest

Oh my gosh I'm so excited for you! I will continue to send prayers and positive thoughts your way. By the way, I LOVE reading your blog! Your writing style reminds me of my own, we must be related:)

Desperately Seeking Stretch Marks
Guest

So happy to hear your GREAT news!!! Congratulations!!!!

Anne
Guest

You have ADORABLE taste in clothes. I love the "daddy rocks" one!! I honestly had tears in my eyes reading this. You give me hope.

Sarah at Midwest Pillowtalk
Guest

cutest frog outfit ever!!
thrilled for you mama!

Egg Timer
Guest

Keeping my fingers crossed for you today for a nice fat doubling to take your worries away. Congrats again. so thrilled for you.

Amanda
Guest

That digital test is the best thing in the world! I'm pretty sure that was my happiest moment in my entire life! So thankful for that awesome first beta! Wishing you the very best today for your second beta!

AuntMimi
Guest

I hate that the torture doesn't end even after the BFP. I'll be stalking you today for your beta results!

Non Sequitur Chica
Guest

I'm so sorry that you are having some bleeding, but that's a good beta. Crossing my fingers for another good beta today!!

Kelly
Guest

Congrats! That word on the digital test is the best!! I will keep you in my prayers! Happy healthy baby on the way!

rainbeforerainbow
Guest

Congratulations! I know how scary spotting is, but it looks like it's nothing. Good first beta & hoping you get a reassuring number for beta #2!

Kandie Walker
Guest

Aww you made me cry! So happy for you! Praise the Lord!

Laura
Guest
Yep, sitting here crying. This is all so fresh for me too. I am so thrilled for you and Chris and I love how you told your family! I also remember the moment when I decided I had to let the 'what if's' go to God. I was so exhausted from worry and I sat on my bathroom floor(in true infertile fashion, in the bathroom- where so many things happen!) and prayed that God take all my worries and burden. I have felt so much better ever since! I hope you do to! One day at a time, girl!
jAllen
Guest

NOTHING in InfertileWorld is easy is it? so glad that blasty-baby is sticking around!

Jennifer Juniper
Guest

Yep this post made me cry!! I'm so happy for you. The way you told your husband and family is adorable!! xoxoxoxox!!!

Team Harries
Guest

Love this!! This is awesome!

Alexicographer
Guest
(I can't even remember if I've posted here before but I found my way from LFCA or the Roundup and have been reading along since) Congratulations! For whatever it's worth, my one pregnancy (also IVF) started with a beta of 123 14dp3dt and is now 6 years old and driving me crazy (in a good way — mostly!) with his chattering. So your 63 9dp3dt looks resoundingly solid to me. But I remember how hard it is (note that almost 7 years to the day after I got that beta I can still tell you exactly what it was and… Read more »
Cristy
Guest

In tears from reading all of this. I'm so happy to see that beautiful beta! As far as the spotting goes, I know how scary it is (trust me, I've been there), but I also know that it can be normal. Take care of yourself during these first few days and know that so many of us are pulling for you.

Em
Guest

At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, I have to tell you my reaction to this post…I have never cried this hard or for this long while reading somebody's blog. The tears are FLOWING down my cheeks. My sobs are shaking the table I'm sitting at. My nose is running like crazy. I can hardly see the words I am typing. I am so…so…so…so happy for you. [Big, huge, this-made-my-week sigh]

Ann Foster
Guest

What a roller coaster of emotions you and Chris have been on this week!! Praying for a great beta number today. Praying for your baby to stick and grow!!

SmallStones
Guest

Love it! I teared up reading this too… am over the moon for you. Thank you for continuing to inspire those of us in the IF community! Praying for a sticky baby as well!

JenS
Guest

I teared up reading this. I am so incredibly happy for you. The bleeding is scary but it can be a very normal thing (especially with IVF). Can't wait to follow your pregnancy journey 🙂

Anonymous
Guest

I am literally crying for you Risa, I went from smiles and happiness to fear and tears and then finally the big breath let out………literally I think I was holding my breath for longer then I realized. CONGRATULATIONS to you and Chris! NOW I am doing the happy dance for you, as I am sure you are too. Sending much love n hugs your way…what a journey you have been on, and what a blessing you are being rewarded with. <3

Big hugs! Lisa Silver. 🙂

Amber
Guest
I'm just catching up and of course I already know the outcome. I'm so sorry with how everything has turned out this time. My first round of IVF was almost identical. I had a chemical pregnancy, started bleeding the morning of my beta. What I took away from that first time though, was that I COULD get pregnant. It was the first time that had ever happened for me. I also took comfort in the idea that maybe God had answered our prayers in a round about way, as we had been praying for a HEALTHY baby out of all… Read more »
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