Hello! Greetings! Fight Club, anyone?
I am on day 5 of Lupron injections.
This is the medication that tells my ovaries to pipe the fuck down and be quiet. I am done with birth control pills. They were like the Marines: coming in first to No-Man’s-Land and paving the way for the Lupron army to come in and finish suppressing everything. Only Lupron comes in with more of a bang. It may be resetting my ovaries and restoring order in my lady parts, but the rest of my body is doing a nice job of protesting it all.
I had hot flashes the first two days, and I have been dead-tired the last few days. And nauseous. And I have headaches. And all I want to eat is pizza. That may or may not be from the Lupron, but I’m going with that.
The emotional side effects seem to have started. I will notice I get irritated at something really quickly. Then this wave of sadness, blue-funk thing comes over me. Then Chris might say something funny and I am guffawing and snort-laughing enough to get him all shifty-eyed and uncomfortable for the next five minutes until I’ve gotten it under control.
The first day I had to inject myself, it didn’t go as well as I planned. The needle really isn’t that big.
I think I just psyched myself out too much. I stood there in the bathroom that day, ready with the syringe, one hand on my stomach ready to go… and I froze. One, two, three, go! I kept telling my self, now. Ok, do it now. Right now. Needless to say, it hurt more than it should have.
The next day, after my little self-evaluation that I was a total pussy, I didn’t hesitate, and the needle didn’t hurt that bad. I do get a little rash thingy, that I haven’t decided, hurts, or just itches, right after the injection. But all in all, so far, so good.
I don’t know if it’s been the hormones, or if I am just experiencing normal feelings, but I have seen at least 5 pregnancy announcements on Fertilebook since I started injections. Five. Most of them have come from a friend commenting on someone I don’t even know. Yet Fertilebook likes to toss a that in my face every once in while. I thought for awhile there, I was doing good. Mostly because I am currently in a cycle that has very good odds at ending well for us. But it doesn’t stop the hurt when I see everyone around me getting knocked up after a night giggling under the covers, and I am meanwhile, doing daily injections for something that is not a guarantee. And then that wave of sadness comes over me and I am back to being a pitiful barrenness. And I hate that feeling. I try to focus on the fact that babies come to a couple in all sorts of ways. But it still doesn’t stop the anger the grows in the pit of my stomach when some friends still insist on making comments like, “You say you want a baby now, but a few months after you have one, you are going to be begging for me to babysit!”
I was sitting in church this weekend, for the first time in a.w.h.i.l.e. and the pastor was talking about marriage and its difficulties. He made a joke that went something like this:
“And then you will have children… Mothers, hang in there!” Tittering audience. All the while, I had to sit quietly and grit my teeth.
After all, imagine yourself about to graduate college. It took a lot of hard work, and you know the working world will have its moments of difficulty. But you have struggled and toiled for four years for that moment. You have worked your ass off. And now the time has just about come. And Aunt Rhoda comes up to you shaking her finger and says, “Just you wait. You wait for those student loans to come in! By gawd, I’ve been there and it is NOT a walk in the park. Those student loans will suck you dry for the next decade! There is still time to run away and work at McDonald’s the rest of your life! You may think you are missing out, but at least you won’t have those student loans!”
I’m trying to stay positive. IVF HAS to work for us, because there is absolutely no way it shouldn’t for us. Right now, I am not going to think about the quality of my eggs. I am not going to think about fact that this all could fail because I have shitty eggs. I am not going to think about that at all. I am going to focus on my injections, and the fact that I start stimming this coming Sunday and then my ovaries will start feeling like soccer balls in my abdomen. Because then I will get a great number of retrieved eggs. And they will be great quality. And we will have a successful transfer. And I will get my baby out of this. I will stay positive, because I have to.
I want pizza.