The embryologist called us at about quarter to ten this morning. Out of the 10 eggs that were retrieved, 5 were mature. Of those 5, 3 of them fertilized. Unfortunately, only 1 is growing normally. It’s 4 cells, and the embryologist said it was looking really good. She thinks it will be 6-8 cells by tomorrow and wants to do a 3-day transfer.
These were the instructions she gave me for tomorrow:
10:15 Empty bladder
Start drinking 24-32 oz of fluid by 10:45
10:45 Take 10 mg Valium
11:15 Arrive at the clinic
I thanked her and hung up and started crying. I am happy we have one. Because it’s better than none. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if there were none. The last four years seemed like everything was against us. Timed intercourse didn’t work. Clomid didn’t work. IUI didn’t work. I didn’t respond to the stims like I should be. We only had five mature eggs.
But we have this one embryo. Who would have thought my entire world, what the last four years has led us to, comes down to a 4-celled being?
I didn’t know why I was crying, when I should be happy. But if this doesn’t work, there are no embryos to freeze. Meaning we go back to the beginning. With the money we don’t have.
I called my mom, because she made me promise she would be the second person to know. She has been with my Auntie and Grandma, so they all heard the news too. Everyone is so excited. They said congratulations, they said they were going to start thinking of baby names, planning a shower. It was sweet, it really was. It made me laugh and I loved the positivity.
I’m just so overwhelmed right now. I have had phone calls, texts, Fertilebook messages. All saying that they are praying for me, sending me positive vibes. I am so appreciative of it all. It also makes me want to curl into a corner and hide. I feel that with making this journey public, there is a lot riding on this. More than just the bubble of privacy my husband and I live in.
I’m scared to let everyone down if this doesn’t work. Some people talk to me like I am already pregnant. Like this is a guarantee. I mean, hearing my Grandma on the phone sound so excited, just makes me want to cry. I don’t want to let her down. I don’t want to go back and tell everyone, “Hey guys, it didn’t work.”
It’s hard. Talking about my infertility, about the paralyzing fear I have been living the past week, about this one embryo, it’s hard to talk about to those that have not experienced it. I don’t want to be negative about it, or go around assuming it won’t work. But the people who have been there, been in my shoes, they are the ones who can tell me to stay strong, that what I am going through must be so hard, but that they are there if I need them. There is a sort of comfort in this. Of being a part of a community that knows first hand what it’s like.
I am excited (despite this post), and I am just so hoping this little one decides to stick around for awhile. But unlike my wonderfully well-meaning friends and family, I have experienced the pain this terrible disease brings. I have witnessed the negative pregnancy tests, have gotten the phone calls for betas less than one, IUIs that didn’t work, the multiple shots, the uncomfortable side effects. I have lived this experience first hand. Chris too.
We aren’t going to be negative about this. But this isn’t our college graduations. There is no guarantee. We are very well aware of that. Right now, we are cautiously optimistic. An embryo doesn’t mean we will bring home a baby. I have been through so much, more so in the last month, and right now, I need to protect my heart.
I need to focus on my little baby. And that tomorrow, I will get pregnant. 🙂