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And then there was one.

The embryologist called us at about quarter to ten this morning.  Out of the 10 eggs that were retrieved, 5 were mature.  Of those 5, 3 of them fertilized.  Unfortunately, only 1 is growing normally.  It’s 4 cells, and the embryologist said it was looking really good.  She thinks it will be 6-8 cells by tomorrow and wants to do a 3-day transfer.

These were the instructions she gave me for tomorrow:

10:15  Empty bladder
Start drinking 24-32 oz of fluid by 10:45
10:45  Take 10 mg Valium
11:15 Arrive at the clinic
11:45 Transfer

I thanked her and hung up and started crying.  I am happy we have one.  Because it’s better than none. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if there were none.  The last four years seemed like everything was against us.  Timed intercourse didn’t work.  Clomid didn’t work.  IUI didn’t work.  I didn’t respond to the stims like I should be.  We only had five mature eggs.

But we have this one embryo.  Who would have thought my entire world, what the last four years has led us to, comes down to a 4-celled being?

I didn’t know why I was crying, when I should be happy.  But if this doesn’t work, there are no embryos to freeze. Meaning we go back to the beginning.  With the money we don’t have.

I called my mom, because she made me promise she would be the second person to know.  She has been with my Auntie and Grandma, so they all heard the news too.  Everyone is so excited.  They said congratulations, they said they were going to start thinking of baby names, planning a shower.  It was sweet, it really was.  It made me laugh and I loved the positivity.

I’m just so overwhelmed right now.  I have had phone calls, texts, Fertilebook messages.  All saying that they are praying for me, sending me positive vibes.  I am so appreciative of it all.  It also makes me want to curl into a corner and hide.  I feel that with making this journey public, there is a lot riding on this.  More than just the bubble of privacy my husband and I live in.

I’m scared to let everyone down if this doesn’t work.  Some people talk to me like I am already pregnant.  Like this is a guarantee.  I mean, hearing my Grandma on the phone sound so excited, just makes me want to cry.  I don’t want to let her down.  I don’t want to go back and tell everyone, “Hey guys, it didn’t work.”

It’s hard.  Talking about my infertility, about the paralyzing fear I have been living the past week, about this one embryo, it’s hard to talk about to those that have not experienced it.  I don’t want to be negative about it, or go around assuming it won’t work.  But the people who have been there, been in my shoes, they are the ones who can tell me to stay strong, that what I am going through must be so hard, but that they are there if I need them. There is a sort of comfort in this.  Of being a part of a community that knows first hand what it’s like.

I am excited (despite this post), and I am just so hoping this little one decides to stick around for awhile.  But unlike my wonderfully well-meaning friends and family, I have experienced the pain this terrible disease brings.  I have witnessed the negative pregnancy tests, have gotten the phone calls for betas less than one, IUIs that didn’t work, the multiple shots, the uncomfortable side effects.  I have lived this experience first hand.  Chris too.

We aren’t going to be negative about this.  But this isn’t our college graduations.  There is no guarantee.  We are very well aware of that.  Right now, we are cautiously optimistic.  An embryo doesn’t mean we will bring home a baby.  I have been through so much, more so in the last month, and right now, I need to protect my heart.

I need to focus on my little baby.  And that tomorrow, I will get pregnant. 🙂

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21 Comments on "And then there was one."

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Just T
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We already talked in group, but you have the right attitude for this to work!I want this for you so badly

Lurker 24
Guest

Fingers crossed that one is all you need. Hang in there!

jAllen
Guest

I was listening to the radio this morning and heard an old Sheryl Crow song "no one said it would be easy, but no one said it would be this hard" Pretty much sums it all up! It sucks not to have any back-ups, but I'm hoping all you need is one!

Cristy
Guest
Lady, the tears started to fall when I saw the title of this post. To go from 10 eggs to 1 embryo is a hard thing. That said, I've witnessed first hand a lone embryo resulting in an amazing child. Here's Jay's blog, which I really recommend you check out. http://the2weekwait.blogspot.com So I will say to you what I said to her two years ago: I believe this can work. That this lone embryo is a fighter. So, focus on preparing for tomorrow and put the duty of being optimistic and hopeful on the rest of us. Let us cheer… Read more »
Rebecca
Guest

Hoping that the one embryo becomes a healthy happy baby.

Ann Foster
Guest
being so candid and open absolutely brings about vulnerability. My husband and I decided to be open because we wanted people to understand why we are sometimes distant, why we can't make plans, and why we so desperately need their support and prayers. What is hardest for us is not necessarily feeling like we've let anyone down (except for ourselves), but that having to mutter the words out loud ("this didn't work", or worse yet, 'we lost the baby'), but at the same time, when we were consumed by disappointment our friends and family were there to support us and… Read more »
Jennifer
Guest

I just started reading your blog, but I wanted to delurk for a moment and tell you I'm pulling for you. I've been reading infertility blogs for quite a while (since trying for my first), and I really hope yours turns into one where I read through the joy and excitement of your pregnancy. Good luck. As they say, all it takes is one.

Emily
Guest

Good luck tomorrow! I will be thinking the best of thoughts for you and that little future babe!

Aislinn
Guest

Risa, you and Chris are in my thoughts. I know you know this and you've heard it before, but it takes just one! I hope that everything goes well tomorrow and that you'll have amazing news in a few weeks <3

Aramis
Guest

Oh honey, I've been here. We went from 8 eggs to 1 embryo. And I remember all to well trying to temper the expectations of our family, who were all so excited. It's a hard place to be, and I'm so sorry you're there. But you DO have one, and this could be it. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

Baby On Mind
Guest

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and praying for you guys tomorrow. I know how it feels like to have a bunch of eggs at retrieval and then at the end only end up with one to transfer. Good luck tomorrow!

Shelley
Guest

Just chiming in to wish you well with the transfer. I had a similar attrition…I went from twenty eggs down to two embryos. Not the same as having one, but close. I know it's a scary place to be, but this could be all you need.

Aubrey
Guest

I just want to say good luck with the transfer and that I am thinking of and praying for you! I know how hard it Is when other people (real life people) know what's going on in your journey as it happens… It's hard and overwhelming! I hope your mom and grandma's positivity rubs off on you a little bit 🙂 xoxoxo

Kasey Attianese
Guest

Just want to say that both my husband and I are saying prayers that your lone 4 called embryo grows up to do whatever he or she decides to do. That you all get to move from heartbreak and stress to memory making and laughter. Our hearts and prayers go out to you!

Laura
Guest

Nothing but love and good thoughts coming your way today!! Wishing you the best of luck, Risa! Come on embabe! Settle in for a long ride 🙂

Isabelle
Guest

Good luck tomorrow! Will be thinking of you and the embie!

belovedburnttoast
Guest

I know exactly how that is, telling everyone and appreciating all the support, then being terrified of letting everyone down. Like you need any added emotional stress, right? Wishing you all the luck in the world. It only takes one!

Amanda
Guest

Praying that the transfer went well and that right this very moment, that embryo is rapidly multiplying and picking out the VERY BEST spot to snuggle in for the next nine months. Praying for your head, your heart, AND your uterus. Lots of love!

Em
Guest

So sorry that there weren't more, so very thankful for this one precious embryo. Praying for you as I type this.

A Place to be Me
Guest

Wow this is so overwhelming! I'm glad one made it, though I wish there were more…I'm praying for you! I hope all goes smoothly and ONE sticks around for the long haul!

Amber
Guest

What we do know now, is that this one turned out great and HAS resulted in a positive pregnancy. Now I'm just praying for the next stage for you. I've learned that this whole process is a never ending bundle of nerves. I sooooo understand all of your worries, fears, and excitement too. Thinking of you so much Risa!

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