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Rules of the Andrology Lab- For Men Only

I thought I would share some “unspoken” rules that men should be following during our portion of this process.  Our wives have to go through so much.  Injections, pills, suppositories, ultrasounds and painful procedures.  They are hormonal and emotional.  The least we can do is provide our sample in an efficient manner, with the lowest probable outcome of severe embarrassment.  Here are some important aspects you should consider when visiting the andrology lab:

Andrology rules:

  1. Please don’t have your wife, or mom, (I’m still not quite sure on that one) check you in and go over the “preparation” instructions with the tech.
  2. Do not, under any circumstances, make eye contact with anyone sitting in the waiting room.
  3. Under no circumstance, ever, should you nod or say hi to anyone in the waiting room.
  4. Request the furthest room from waiting area, otherwise you will hear voices and movement.  This can be distracting.
  5. Please, for the love of God, LOCK THE DOOR! You just never know. 
  6. Wait until the tech leaves the room before picking out your reading material. 
  7. Under no circumstances should you ever need to get near the walls of the room, which of course means you should never hit the wall. The last thing your neighbor needs is a knock from next door.
  8. It’s not ok when you are weight-lifting to grunt in a gym, and it’s just flat out wrong here. 
  9. Always remember, this is a booty call, and the cup called you. It owes you nothing.  And no cuddling afterwards.  The staff doesn’t like that.
  10. Again, and I can’t stress this enough, when making the walk of shame back to the waiting area, DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT.  Ever.  With anyone.  For any reason.
Pro Tips:
  1. Act like a newbie with the tech unless they recognize you.  There is no better indicator of how infertile you are then when you get on a first name basis with the lab techs. 
  2. Ask the tech where the radio volume control is at.  That way you can solve noise problems, or bring headphones so you can set the mood yourself. 
  3. Don’t allow your wife to cheer you on by sending you “Go get ’em tiger” text messages while you are in the room.
  4. In fact, it’s probably best to keep your cell phone on silent to avoid any calls to from your mother.
  5. Remember, this isn’t a race.  It doesn’t matter if if takes you five minutes, or a half hour.  Unless of course you allow your wife to send encouraging messages.  See Pro Tip #3.
  6. Always pick the reading material with the least amount of crinkles.
  7. If you think that room will be filled with a purple satin couch, and three college girls working their way through school, you will be sorely disappointed.

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19 Comments on "Rules of the Andrology Lab- For Men Only"

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Just T
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Haha

Emily
Guest

Ha!
I've seen the "collection room" at our RE's and sadly, I think yours is step up! I'll forward these to my hubby 🙂

jAllen
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I have to make this comment as it is May the Fourth (with the way Americans write the date) my encouraging message to my partner is 'May the force be with you!' I figured you can never go wrong with A Star Wars reference!

Aubrey
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ha ha ha! love this!

Em
Guest

My favorite was: pick up the reading material with the least amount of crinkles. Hilarious!!!

Jamie
Guest

Love this! You crack me up!

Infertile625
Guest

Hilarious! I just read this to the husband and he was cracking up.

jAllen
Guest

At our first IUI, the tech brought my husband to the room and turned on the porn (as a Virgo, he has a 'don't touch anything' rule and uses iPhone porn) he found it a little awkward as she was reviewing the labeling instructions with him while there was an orgie scene on the video in the background. I wondered if it was written in her job description "escort gentleman to mastorbatiorium. Turn on porn…"

CAM
Guest

I made my husband read this and he was nodding along as he read 🙂 Great post!

Aramis
Guest

I love the pics from inside! M would never take some for me, and I always wondered. Great post!

Ann Foster
Guest

Great post. When we went through our first IUI my mother in law was wondering how it worked. I gave her the PG version "They inject Mark's sperm straight into my uterus just before ovulation" was my answer. AND THEN she said the following "Well how do they get Mark's sperm from him?" I ABOUT DIED!

Seriously? The look I gave her must have been priceless (and I think I felt my jaw hit the floor!!!) I turned bright red and said "Mark has to PRODUCE it".

Seriously I can't believe i had to tell my mother in law that!!!!!

Impatiently Waiting
Guest

In the words of the Geico slinky…THIS. IS. AWESOME.

Chris
Guest

Haha just watch out for the revenge of the sixth tomorrow.

Chris
Guest

Video? Now that's fancy and kind of ruins a few of my rules but wow that would be awkward.

Chris
Guest

Haha that's so crazy awkward.

Catwoman73
Guest

Haha… too funny! When Hubby and I were going through treatment, we lived close enough to the clinic that we could… ummmm… obtain the samples at home. I always wondered what those rooms looked like…

AuntMimi
Guest

This is hilarious! Thanks for sharing 🙂

Hapa Hopes
Guest

Ha! This was funny. My husband says that if we ever come into some money, he's going to buy our clinic new… ahem… materials.

Amber
Guest

oh my gosh, the NO grunting one cracks me up! My husband had SUCH a hard time giving his "sample" when we first started this process, especially when he could hear people just on the other side of the door. Unfortunately, he has now become quite the pro since we are still trying. This is a great list. I love hearing (reading) your perspective.

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