Risa: Version 2.0

Distractions are good.  Today was better, being at work.  Don’t get me wrong,  I had a good Easter with the fam.  I enjoyed my day off yesterday.  Usually on Mondays I have class, so it was nice to have the day to myself and catch up on things.  I cleaned.  I did laundry.  Planted my herbals.  I cried one more time today but that was because I read through all my comments.  You guys are way too nice.  I am just too hard on myself.  I go all bat-shit emo and then I feel like I have to apologize for it.  I guess I am still dealing with the stigma of infertility and feel like I have to tread lightly or people will think I am a complete basket case, like that girl in The Breakfast Club.

I had a voicemail on my cell phone when I was at work.  It was my clinic telling me there have been some cancelled appointments with our doctor this week and to call back if we wanted to get in sooner.

We are supposed to be conferencing with our doctor about our next steps at our appointment April 29th.  Which also happens to be my graduation day.

Nothing like a little discussion of “Why the fuck can’t you get pregnant?” on what is supposed to be the happiest day of my life.

Still, I am sick of missing work.  Our scheduled appointment is on my day off, so I won’t have to take any time off.  I don’t know.  Maybe tomorrow we will see what is available.  It’s weird not going to the clinic anymore.  Well, I can’t say that because I DID go there on the third day of my cycle for blood work.  FSH, LH, TSH, estrogen and… I’m forgetting one.

It’s strange, going to the clinic and not getting an ultrasound.  I had my pants halfway off that day before the lab tech kindly reminded me that this was a lab-only appointment.  I feel like one of Pavlov’s dogs: walk into the clinic, start dropping the panties at the door.   It’s that automatic.

It’s a nice change.  When I first started going to the clinic, I couldn’t understand why there were couples who took a “vacation” month off.  “Why?” I always retorted, “Don’t you want to get pregnant like yesterday??”  Now I get it.  Deciding to take this month off is so refreshing.  I am even starting to feel like myself again.  Still childless, but myself.  I need this break.  Chris needs this break.  Our marriage needs this break.  Hell, our bank account needs this break.  The downside is that I can no longer blame my raging bitchiness on Clomid.

Because moving forward means we will actually be saving for IVF instead of pretending to save for IVF.  This kid is never getting an allowance.  If he/she ever complains we never gave them anything, I will whip out my stack of infertility bills and.. let that speak for itself.

I haven’t tried to think much about all that stuff today.  In fact, Chris and I are waiting for the tree-man to get here and give us an estimate on the two trees we want to take down in the backyard.  Then we are going to walk the dog.  And then maybe drink some wine.

So I am hanging in there.  The pain isn’t so bad, when I am not thinking about it.  Anyone want to take me out for copious amounts of alcohol? 

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EmEmily GeorgeAspgriswoldjAllenAmber Recent comment authors
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Impatiently Waiting

Girl, if I lived there, we would be at the bar! I am glad you are feeling *better*. I am trying to make up a word that connects bitter to better but all I come up with is butter. 😉

Kate Payne

Where do you live again? I could use a drinking buddy 🙂 haha


I am glad that you are able to keep your mind off of it a little. I know it isn't easy and I don't blame you for wanting a break. If we get a negative test next week (after our 3rd IUI), then I will be taking a break as well. I am tired of having all of these hormones pumped thru me. I need a break. During our breaks let's meet halfway and get shit-faced! 😉


Enjoy your wine!!! I'm glad you're feeling a little better. I know the pain and hurt is always there but you seem to be doing a good job of putting one foot in front of the other. xo


It's good to see this post. To see you recovering and healing, even if it doesn't feel like it. I'm glad you're taking a break and giving yourself (and your family) a chance to heal. It always seems so counter productive, but healing is always a good thing.

Thinking of you and hoping that graduation is still a memorable and wonderful day.


Just an FYI, she is enjoying her wine very much right now. 🙂


I'm do glad you're feeling even a tiny big better. I'm even more glad that you're enjoying done wine'


I'm glad you're feeling better, but I also know the pain is always just under the surface. Facing IVF is so daunting, both from a medical and a financial perspective. We got the "move on to IVF" chat it November and we're still sitting here. Hopefully, you can move forward at a much faster rate! Hang in there!


I always joke to my husband that our kids better not want to go to college because we just spent their college fund on IF treatments.
Taking a break is so necessary sometimes. Over 4 1/2 years I took quite a few. You just need to step back every once in a while and recharge and enjoy other parts of your life. Enjoy this time with your husband and celebrate your upcoming graduation!


I'm glad you're feeling better (for lack of a word that fits more) and I'm still so sorry that you're facing IVF. I can't even imagine how daunting that is. I hope the break you're taking right now can bring you some peace as you get ready for graduation.


Ha ha Chris and I couldn't stop laughing at this. You. Are. Awesome.


Come to cold Minnesota!


Deal. I am actually really happy with this decision. Crossing my fingers for YOU! So hoping you get a positive 🙂

Suzanne @ Our Journey to a Baby Bump

So I can't forever say that my raging bitchiness comes from Clomid just cause I took it that one time last summer?! Damn. Way to burst my bitchy bubble. 😉

I've really enjoyed your blog and thank you for stopping by mine recently. I'm totally in on the copious amounts of alcohol if this IVF cycle (small car that I'm purchasing) doesn't work…but I may be drinking Boones wine at that point, because that will be all I can afford.


I'm glad you are starting to feel more like yourself again. My Hubby has said that our kid is going to have to start working at the age of 5 to pay off all his expenses!

P.S. I always liked that girl from The Breakfast Club 🙂


The girl in The Breakfast Club got the hot guy in the end!


I'm a new follower and still have to catch up on the rest of your blog. Glad you are taking some time and feeling better. I did have to laugh about the pants statement. It is very strange going for lab-only appointments after so many dates with Mr. Wandy. Sending many thoughts to you and looking forward to catching up!!

Emily George

🙂 I like your writing. keep it up!


I never understood why people took months off either…until I took this last month off. It was so nice. I'm glad you're enjoying your time off too. Hope it gives you the energy and renewed hope you need in order to tackle the next steps.