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Cycle #4 baseline u/s: The big one

I have 50 followers.  50 women who I have never met, that know the most intimate details of my life, follow this blog.  I know there are more that follow my page on Facebook.  I just shake my head in disbelief.  If you would have told me three months ago when I really started getting going with this blog, that I would have people actually care about this aspect of my life enough to read it, and offer me support, I would have laughed and then probably cried because I was hormonal and on Clomid. 

So thank you, to all of you who are reading this.  It is because of you that I can keep going.  I imagine how lonely I would have been if I wasn’t blogging and putting my vagina on verbal display for the world.  I feel like there is a purpose to all of this, besides the obvious.  Blogging and baring my feelings has helped me keep my head an inch above the watery depression that continues to try to drown me every day.  That being said, I enjoy commenting on all your blogs, even though school and work and life has been keeping me so busy.  I wish I could comment more than I can right now, but hopefully once school is over I will be able to.

I went to my baseline U/S this morning (in a shit snowstorm.  Story of my life).  6 follies on the right and 7 on the left.  I talked to the nurse about my progesterone.  I have almost a full box of suppositories that I had to stop taking because of my… er… side effects from it.  I felt weird asking to actually go back on the suppositories.  Why yes, dear nurse, I absolutely love leaking constantly and always having to time sex to coincide with my nightly suppository!  It gives timed intercourse a whole new meaning.

Why, in all that is fertile, would I want to go back to that when I can swallow the little pills instead?

It’s quite simple.  Actually they have a t-shirt to illustrate it:

Yes, it is my utter cheapness that is making me want to take a chance making my vag raving mad again.  Because, I have almost a full box of suppositories left!  I’m sure I can find one person out there who is holding the economy size box of pantyliners up in the air, gleefully agreeing with me.

IUI cycle #3.  If I also would have looked back a few months ago and thought I would be on my third scientific baby-making procedure, I would have also laughed.  Hard.

“What? IUI may not work?  Pah!  How can it not? It’s science, for crying out loud!”  I was so confident back then, hands down my pants holding a brewsky, sitting in the doctor’s office that first day, thinking that it was going to work.

What’s the deal?  I’m starting to think I don’t even have eggs.  I mean, there has been nothing so far, that they have found that would make me think: I have a problem getting pregnant.  Sure, it’s been four years, 12 cycles of Clomid, 3 hGC trigger shots, and three IUIs.  But, there’s been no problem.  It’s frustrating.

My cousin had her baby the night we found out our last IUI cycle failed.  I love my cousin dearly, and I am very happy for her, but I’m still frustrated.  Of course not at her.  At my body for failing to do what every other woman can.  At my clinic, for still not giving me an answer.  At the pregnancy announcements that keep popping up on Facebook.  At my constant negativity that these IUIs are all a waste of time.  At the fucking negative pregnancy tests when it seems like everyone around me is enjoying the miracle of life. 

We are going into our fourth cycle, our third IUI.  This next beta… well, it’s important.  We are conferencing with our doctor in April to make our next game plan.  I feel like I did when I first started at the CRM, scared, excited, nervous, depressed.  Ugh.  I just hope we get in back-to-back IUIs that we only got to do one out of three cycles.  This is the big one people.  This is the one that counts.  I’m still not giving up my coffee though.

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Our Journey Through This Lovely LifeSarah JRisalamentingthelentilA Place to be Me Recent comment authors
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Stephanie
Guest

I hear ya! My sister is pregnant and it is hard to listen to her talk about anything baby related. She announced on Facebook a few days ago and I was sad to see all of the happy things people were saying to her. Not that I am not happy for her, but I want people to say those happy things to me. It is also very frustrating when someone announces on Facebook that they are pregnant with their 5TH CHILD! We have a hard time having one…and they are going to have 5! Ugh! :/ Anyways, good luck with… Read more »

Ann Foster
Guest

I didn't know you have a facebook page! So glad to find you on there too! Thinking about all of the emotional struggles that come along with infertility…unfortunately it doesn't go away once you have a baby. Even when we get our double stripes, there will be always be women after us who are going through the same emotional struggle of infertility. Infertility is a plague and it's a sisterhood that so many women choose NOT to belong to.

Good luck with your next cycle. Hang in there!

Impatiently Waiting
Guest

Clomid was evil! I hate Clomid! I respond much better to Femara in more ways than one! Do you have a FB page I don't know about?
My fingers are crossed for you!

JenS
Guest

It's so frustrating to not have any answers or reasons for this not to work. I hope this next one is it for you. Hang in there! I am going to hunt down your facebook page now 🙂

Emily
Guest

I feel ya. After 4 failed IUIs, we were still dubbed "normal". WTF?!

Anonymous
Guest
Anonymous

I'm in tears. Love you dear sister and I'll always be praying for you!
-Natalie

jAllen
Guest

My co-worker conceived twins on her third IUI (she's also unexplained infertility). Her doctor talked her into doing "one more IUI" -hopefully this will be your lucky one!

Amie
Guest

I hear ya on the progesterone, eek nastiness for sure, I hate it!! On another note I think with our blogs we all end up helping and supporting each other and it's such a great thing to have. Even though we don't all actually know each other we all have the same thing in common and it just helps to talk about it with others that totally understand.

Kate Payne
Guest

I totally get what you mean….literally last year this time (on Thursday) I started Clomid and was like "Hell yeah!!! Next year this time I'm going to have an infant, woohoo!!" and now???? I'm all like, "Dear Lord, I hope I'm at least even pregnant next year this time" LOL

Steph
Guest

Your blog is amazing and keeps me writing on my own. I hope that this is your time and that you get your chance to make annoying pregnancy posts on FB 🙂

Amber
Guest

Congrats on 50 followers! (Sounds a little cultish, doesn't it?) I enjoy your blog.

Good luck with this next cycle! I really hope this is the one for you. Also, good luck with the suppositories. I hate them with a passion. My vag does not like them at all!

A Place to be Me
Guest

Fingers crossed!

lamentingthelentil
Guest

We're glad to be here, friend! I'm sorry that you feel like you're spinning your wheels with no insight into why your gear won't stick. It's so incredibly frustrating. I'm thinking about you, woman!

Anonymous
Guest
Anonymous

The tee-shirt picture is a nice touch haha. I am so glad that you guys are still keeping your heads up and truckin on. I admire all that. I have my fingers crossed that this big one is THE ONE. And that we get to be aunties soon. Love you so so much!
-Littlest sister 🙂

Risa
Guest

Ugh seriously? FIVE? And we can't even have one???
Thanks! I am s hoping this is the one.

Risa
Guest

Ha! Yes, I can't seem to figure out how to get it on my blog so that people can go there to like it.
And you are absolutely right. Even if I am blessed with a baby, what about if I want a second?

Risa
Guest

Glad you found me on the FB page 🙂 I don't know how much longer I am going to be on Clomid because ~HELLO~ it's working so well! Actually, technically it is working, but after 12 rounds, I'm probably going to get cancer or something.

Risa
Guest

Ha ha did you find it? I can't figure out how to link it to my blog. 🙂

Risa
Guest

UGH I know right? This sucks.

Risa
Guest

🙂 Thanks Nannie. I appreciate it more than you know.

Risa
Guest

Oooo maybe some of that will rub off on me!!

Risa
Guest

Totally agree Amie. 🙂

Risa
Guest

Ah I know. So naive back then.

Risa
Guest

Ha ha I hope so! Thanks for those kind words!

Risa
Guest

Ahahaha! Yes, I have never thought about that before!

And thanks. I need lots of luck, because I have a feeling this will not end well with the suppositories again.

Risa
Guest

Thanks my dear!

Risa
Guest

🙂 Thanks that means a lot. I love my new bleeps!

Risa
Guest

I figured you and Nats would like that. Thanks Tiffy!

Sarah J
Guest

Yes. Yes. Yes. I agree with just about everything you've said here. Awesome support through fellow bloggers. Wondering how you've gotten to where you are when the first day you were so hopeful it wouldn't take long. Trying to understand how multiple IUIs don't work when your doctor says you've got nothing wrong. Dealing with family, friends or general public announcing pregnancies. I get it all. I really hope this IUI works for you!! And like a nurse once told me, if they can't find evidence that your body can't get pregnant, chances are it will happen…just not as easily… Read more »

Our Journey Through This Lovely Life
Guest

Hi! I'm Alexis! Found your blog through ICLW and I LOVE it!! you are too funny! I am super excited to follow along!

Risa
Guest

Hi! Thanks for stopping by!

Risa
Guest

You know, that's absolutely right. I didn't think about that, how because they haven't found anything, there's no reason I CAN'T. Love it. Thanks for that insight Sarah 🙂